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Diary

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Everyone trying their best to look ‘socio-centric’ (Mr Letwin’s orders), but we are all secretly dreading this week.

Everyone trying their best to look ‘socio-centric’ (Mr Letwin’s orders), but we are all secretly dreading this week.

MONDAY

Everyone trying their best to look ‘socio-centric’ (Mr Letwin’s orders), but we are all secretly dreading this week. Most of us have never known any other Leader. I will be glad when it’s over. Feels a bit like the time we all went down to Westminster Bridge to watch the great lost whale being towed down the Thames. We laughed and pointed, but inside you felt it was desperately sad and unfair.

These reshuffle stories not helpful either. It is simply not true that Dave is going to demote Hague and Foxy. Last I heard Jed on the subject he said he was planning to move them sideways into key roles which would allow them to devote more time to their outside interests of judo, neocon internet chatrooms and plotting leadership challenges. So they ought to be jolly well grateful.

To complicate matters, Mr Letwin is getting tied up in knots about the meaning of life again. Ringing journalists to tell them he’s had ‘The Big Idea’. Jed keeps telling him there is no Big Idea and even if there is one, Mr Willetts has had it. But this just makes Olly even worse.


TUESDAY

Terrific fun helping with the floorplans. All the rooms at HQ have been named after great social reformers. So we had v jolly time deciding which is the Pankhurst room, Mandela, Gandhi, Toynbee and Scargill rooms.

We’ve also finally got round to putting up the paintings of former leaders. Ran into bit of bother when someone realised we didn’t have one of IDS. Turns out old Smithy never did get his picture painted — he wasn’t in the job long enough for a sitting — and keeps demanding we send an eminent artist to his country estate to capture him in front of his organic chicken coup. Then Jed had a brainwave. As Smithy is now a great social reformer, with all his campaigning to make poor people get married, we’re going to offer to name a broom cupboard after him!

WEDNESDAY

Could this really be it? His last ever PMQs as leader! It just doesn’t feel right. He has so much more to give. Jed and Sam were up all night and have got the tone just right. Our Man in Brussels came up with super stuff which really captures the genius of Mr T while totally hitting Gordo where it hurts. It’s at times like these when it counts to have friends on the inside.

Mr Letwin in the Tranquility Room all morning screaming: ‘It is different! It’s a framework state in which government creates frameworks for people to have frameworks…’ Nigel had to call the chakra lady in the end.

THURSDAY

Got into London at 8 a.m., went for walk along Embankment and took one last look at Blair’s Britain. Wondered what it will look like when Dave takes over. Was inspired by a vision of a New Britain with fewer vapour trails and more cycle lanes, a Britain where share dealing takes place unfettered by stamp duty and where fruit smoothies, not chocolate oranges, are sold at the counters of newsagents. A Britain of optimism and civility, where hoodies can hold their heads up in the streets! A Britain which, for the first time in our island nation’s history, celebrates corporate social responsibility, General Well Being and localisation! Who says there’s no Big Idea? This is what we are fighting for. Let the battle commence! Oh yes.


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