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Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

30 January 2008

12:00 AM

30 January 2008

12:00 AM


Dave says we are absolutely not withdrawing the whip from poor Mr Conway. If we do such a thing, where will it end? Which MP hasn’t at some point given their son a Saturday job answering the phones at the family home? Whose office is not stuffed full of family and friends, all working their socks off for the Great Conservative Victory? It’s what we Tories do, you see: pull together in times of national need. DD furious at the very suggestion that we might humiliate a former whip and his oldest ally. He put forward a lot of forceful arguments during a special huddle. ‘Blood’s thicker than water; lifelong servant of the party; knows where all the bodies are buried.’ Etc. All v powerful stuff. At one point, Dave was virtually moved to tears. Say what you like about this party, it stands by its people in times of trouble.


We are withdrawing the whip from that dreadful Mr Conway, or Del Boy as we all now call him! Dave has acted decisively and with heroic strength and leadership.

Our new ‘Lines to Take’ briefing makes clear that there was never any doubt that the very strongest action would be taken, and that this sort of heinous abuse of privilege simply will not be tolerated.

Meanwhile, it’s nice to see the rest of our MPs working especially hard, coming up with all sorts of groundbreaking policy ideas: Mr Prisk and his new proposal to stamp down on rogue talent agencies who stifle the dreams of so many of our country’s bright young X Factor hopefuls. And of course Mr Fabricant and his super new plan to put tea trolleys in the arrival halls of airports. *In association with Waitrose, the supermarket of choice for the compassionate centre-Right shopper! (Must ask Nigel if we need to declare that.)


Am shattered. Operation Del Boy is really taking it out of me. Was up half the night going through Commons register looking for other MPs who might be employing their children. Only found a few so far, thank goodness. Dave concerned our draft memo to be sent to all BlackBerries might be a bit stern. I don’t think so. It only says that if you are employing family members, you better have samples of their DNA on licked envelopes and fingerprints on House of Commons phones.

Also drafting memo on new cycling rules. Basically, helmets to be worn at all times; always stop at pelican crossings (or should this be zebra? I’m not too sure); never go through a red light; never shout rude things at pedestrians; all rules subject to review and not applicable if on urgent business as leader of HM Opposition; party bikes ridden at own risk; sponsorship slogans to be displayed at all times.


Oh dear. Local press have been sniffing round looking for evidence of the mouldy Brussels sprouts and red cabbage Dave boasted about in his funny interview in the food magazine. Which means vegetable patch duty for yours truly. I don’t know why it’s always me. Told Nigel, just because I ride horses doesn’t mean I’m an expert on all things covered in mud you know. And where am I supposed to get mouldy Brussels sprouts at this time of year? I’ll have to try Lady B’s farm shop. Still, it gets me out of the office.

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