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Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

16 April 2008

12:00 AM

16 April 2008

12:00 AM


Big panic. Some of our candidates in marginal seats have been ringing up asking why they can’t find any nice piccies of Dave standing next to a flag which they can use in their leaflets for St George’s Day. Jed says we’re to tell everyone that there are such pictures, they’ve just gone missing. On no account are we to tell anyone about The Flag Rule.

As I had completely forgotten about it, I had to ask Wonky Tom what it was I was supposed not to be telling anyone. Thankfully, he remembered. It’s nearly as complicated as The Tie Guidelines. Roughly speaking — red, white and blue bad, red and white absolute disaster. Jed in the worst mood ever, storming round the office shouting: ‘We don’t do Britishness! …We don’t do Englishness! …We don’t do street parties! …OK?!’

Foxy also on the warpath. Wants to know why he’s not in the Magnificent Seven. Someone should just tell him. After all, there’s no shame in being identified as deadweight nowadays. It’s v common. Happens to all sorts of respectable people — Mrs May, Mr Maude. You don’t hear them complaining and threatening to take their right-wing rump elsewhere.


Been thinking about this recession business and have decided that, on balance, it’s a good thing we all have to tighten our belts. Teach us some good, old-fashioned values of thrift, and not wasting things, and looking out for our neighbours. As Jed says, the downturn is v much in tune with Compassionate Conservatism. GWB not GDP, there’s more to life than tax cuts, you can’t always get the policies you want, etc, etc. Think it’s important I immerse myself in the mood of the times as thoroughly as possible. As such, Poppy and I going shopping for Recession Chic on King’s Road at lunchtime…

Crikey! It certainly doesn’t come cheap, does it?! By time had bought vintage cowboy boots, grunge-style Levi’s and extra-distressed-looking T-shirts with anti-capitalist slogans it was getting on for £500! Hope we don’t get too many of these downturns or am going to be seriously out of pocket.


Gah! A candidate rings to say he’s found a picture of Dave standing in front of a huge Union flag on a housing estate in Essex. Everyone running round like headless chickens. Jed has decided the candidate is trying to blackmail us for more campaign money. ‘He’s bluffing! It’s Photoshopped! Get Gary in my office now! We’re going to need surveillance!’

Put out v stern email circular: ‘Anyone using banned images of Dave in front of flags and/or bunting or near nationalistic symbols of any sort including bulldogs to face deselection and writ. There are perfectly good Approved Images of Leader with inclusive backdrops — smiling children, charmingly eccentric Rastafarians, etc. Please use them.’


Silly Mr Clegg on the phone again. How many times do we have to explain to him? It doesn’t matter if he was only a Tory for five minutes at university. It’s still deeply embarrassing, yet another blow to his image, and one more reason why Dave can’t associate with him.

Jed now panicking that we need to do something English. So we’re drawing up plans for an Inclusive and Compassionate Alternative (National) Anthem. My proposal for God Save Our Gracious Dave seemed to go down well: ‘Send Him victorious, modern and glorious…’ Feel quite emotional just thinking about it echoing around the Albert Hall…

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