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Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

13 August 2008

12:00 AM

13 August 2008

12:00 AM

Copies of lads mags found lying around leaders’ office: 5 (v bad); pounds shed by Mr Pickles in name of Being The Change: 0 (v bad); inquiries about why we haven’t launched any green taxes yet: 67 (v v bad); pages read of Quick Guide To The Caucasus: one and a half (vg).

So stressed, might have to take a second holiday. Am fairly sure it’s party policy to have two. Think I took the memo ordering us to stay in Britain too literally. Tom says it means that you take a week in a dreary boarding house, then clear off for two weeks somewhere sunny for a proper break. It’s a jolly expensive way of showing how down to earth we are, but that’s political integrity for you. Meanwhile have drawn short straw and must ring Mr Hague to tell him that his statement calling on Russia to ‘maybe have a bit of a rethink’ has been replaced with one by Dave calling Putin a despicable bully. Reckon I’m in for at least half an hour of ‘oh dear oh dear oh dears’.
Another one of those strange nuisance calls. Someone calling himself Chief of Staff to the Former Shadow Home Secretary rings to ask why the FSHS was not consulted before we announced plans to make it easier for the police to conduct surveillance on innocent, I mean non-terrorist, suspects. He hereby informs us that the FSHS thinks our policy is tantamount to creating a police state and a betrayal of everything we stand for! So what do we propose to do about it?

I said we proposed to do precisely nothing. There is absolutely no chance of the policy being dropped. It was Gary’s idea and he’s so excited about giving police the power to use covert video and listening devices anywhere, any time they want — he’s like a child at Christmas. Says it’s just like his old days at The Screws! The idea that he’s just going to give up on his dream of creating a surveillance state is plain silly. People must have dreams you know. I would have thought the FSHS of all people would understand that.

Major red alert! Mr Hague so traumatised by our attack on Russia he’s been going round giving interviews proclaiming that we’re going to win the next election!! This is possibly the most serious violation we’ve ever had of Directive 19 — Prohibition of Complacency. Nigel says it’s a desperate distraction tactic and a personal cry for help. One more peep out of him and he’s going to find himself fact-finding in Abkhazia.

Speaking of autonomous regions, poor Mr Pickles still isn’t losing weight. We couldn’t be any clearer. While he remains irresponsibly proportioned and gymnastically challenged the credibility of our attack on obesity — including our viral campaign ‘Get Real, Get Thin!’ — will be called into question. Therefore he must lose ten pounds. There is no other solution. We can’t simply go around cancelling viral campaigns as if they’re environmental policies, you know.
Sherwood, our lifestyle guru, has a plan to get us out of the Pickle Pickle, as it were: The bottom line is Celebrity Fat Camp and a written warning telling him that if he doesn’t shape up he can kiss goodbye to getting Mrs Spelperson’s job when we finally get round to sacking her for being useless and more trouble than she’s worth. Personally I think that last bit is way too harsh. Mr P has been looking forward to getting that job for months. 

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