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Diary

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

1 July 2009

12:00 AM

1 July 2009

12:00 AM

Monday

Terrible panic about second jobs. A lot of our people just cannot get their heads around how they will survive on an MP’s salary once our new rules banning outside earnings kick in. We’ve had to assemble an information pack to help them with the transition. It’s called ‘How to survive on £64,766 a year’ and it’s got lots of good ideas for life on a budget, including where to buy really good parmesan for a fraction of the cost of leading supermarkets like Harrods food hall. Also some great tips for how to cope without access to a helicopter in an emergency and a list of the top 20 best-value fox hunts. I think people are going to find it really useful and it should go a long way to reassuring them that there is life after directorships. It’s just not going to be quite as nice.

Tuesday


Rock on! Dave warning about riots on the streets is totally down with the kids!! The British people will not stand being lied to about spending cuts and if Brown manages to dupe them into voting for him with false promises only to implement savage cuts there will be blood!! Oh yes!!! A slight secondary problem which I can’t quite get my head around is the question of why, specifically, there won’t be riots on the streets when we get in and cut services after promising we wouldn’t. Maybe we will be announcing this later? It’s all jolly complicated but I know it’s well in hand because Wonky Tom keeps scurrying off to the Austerity Room with his calculator and I can hear the squealing noises which Mr Letwin only ever makes when he’s doing subtraction.

Wednesday

Mr Bercow calls to inform us that the presence of Mr David Cameron is herewith requested in the Speaker’s apartments for the purpose of taking light refreshments and to discuss such issues as pertain to the smooth running of Prime Ministerial Questions. I told him to put a sock in it, as per instructions on the email sent round by Jed entitled ‘If that pompous little tosspot Bercow calls.’ But Mr B seemed to enjoy this and got all excited and said: ‘You will endeavour to mind your language young lady. The public do not like bad grammar and neither do I.’ And was just beginning another great speech about how mine honour was my life or something silly like that when I implemented number three on the set of instructions and slammed the phone down. I think he enjoyed that too because he rang straight back but I didn’t answer. I’ve got better things to do. Like man the Austerity Helpline. We’ve got MPs in tears about having to let chauffeurs go.

Thursday

Oh dear. Huge post bag for Mr Letwin. He does seem to get himself completely misunderstood all the time. When he said voters weren’t the slightest bit interested in policy he wasn’t meaning to suggest they were stupid. No way. What he was trying to do was come up with a justification for why we don’t seem to have many policies. It was purely strategic. I just wish people out there could understand that and not take it all so personally. Anyway, in reality, we do have policies, lots of them: Not to say anything about tax, Not to mention Europe, Not to argue with anyone about climate change, Not to frighten people by talking about spending cuts. It’s all there, if you think about it.


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