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Diary

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

8 July 2009

12:00 AM

8 July 2009

12:00 AM

Monday

How dare Gordon and Sarah hold lasagne suppers! It is absolutely outrageous. It just shows the breathtaking arrogance of this Prime Minister that he thinks he can steal a groundbreaking idea like that and get away with it. Of course we are seeking legal advice. Dave definitely holds the patent, morally speaking, it’s just whether it’s enforceable. Jed says Sarah can bake as many lasagnes as she wants, but she’ll never get the exact same pasta-maker Sam uses because they had it commissioned specially from a company in Italy that’s stopped making them now. Also, does Sarah use organic minced beef from Daylesford? Is the salad from Pimlico Road farmers’ market? Probably not. We rest our case. Honestly. With the mess this country’s in, you would think the Prime Minister had more important things to think about than lasagne. In any case, I v much doubt a socialist béchamel sauce is up to much.

Tuesday


Came in to find the words ‘Nice Tory cuts’ written in big letters on the white board. We’ve got to come up with five examples each of compassionate, progressive, modern, caring and inclusive spending cuts. Gids says the battle at the next election is cuts v. cuts and ours have to be the nicest. Obviously, as a first step we’ve locked Mr Redwood in the Tranquillity Room with his big box full of horrible cuts, like slashing spending on everything but space programmes — nanu nanu! But formulating a fully costed set of nice cuts will not be easy. Tough decisions will have to be made. Necessary cuts will have to be dropped in favour of less effective cuts that people won’t mind as much. But we must be brave and show we are up to the challenge. Thankfully at least one thing is going well. It turns out that once we get into government Google can run everything! Mrs Jed, who works at Google — what a happy coincidence — says they can take over all the Whitehall databases, no sweat. This is a huge relief.

Wednesday

Had to tell Mrs Palin to stop calling. Dave is adamant she can’t have a safe seat in Middle Englandshire where she can ‘fight for the rights of all our children of the world’ and she can’t go on the ‘ABC list’, as she calls it. Unless she wants to be London Mayor. That’s all we can offer her. Take it or leave it. She says she’ll ‘straw poll the kids’ and see if there are any ‘hell yeahs’ and get back to me. What a strange lady she is.

Still can’t think of any nice cuts. Nice. Isn’t that a clinical quango? Maybe we should cut that. But is it nice to cut Nice? Possibly not. Oh dear.

Thursday

Feeling groggy as sat up all night going through government spending programmes — couldn’t find a single one that didn’t do something nice. Then Bev from Labour called to say she can’t believe we fell for it again. She reckons that Darling’s promise to cut public sector pay was ‘another brilliant double bluff’. She claims Labour made it look like a trap so Dave wouldn’t do it. Now Dave has promised not to cut pay and will be in a huge mess when he gets into Number 10. Thankfully we are one step ahead of such nonsense. It’s obvious she is triple bluffing. Claiming they are setting traps by making it look as if they are setting traps is just one big trap. And we are not going to fall into it.


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