I can’t quite believe what we had a strategy meeting about this morning. My hands are trembling as I type… What if climate change doesn’t exist? It’s too awful to contemplate. But we are being asked to consider: what if the earth is not getting warmer? What if the world is not sleepwalking to ecological disaster?! What if… OMG… what if Lord Lawson is right!?!?!! Gary said we need a fallback position, in case there’s more of this stuff about scientists telling porkies. But Jed said to question our faith in climate change now would be heresy. The lack of proof, he says, is the whole point. ‘If the big guy with the beard came down from the sky and introduced himself it wouldn’t be faith, would it?’ I’m not entirely sure what he means but I’m inclined to agree. We must never forget what those huskies did for us. We must never forget the poll taken after we sledded across that glacier (even if the silly thing did turn out to be expanding rather than contracting).
Nice piccies of Lady T and Gordon on the steps of Number 10. Dave v relaxed about it. Says good luck to them. He’s not interested in photo ops and publicity stunts. Never has been. He’s off to a big event to launch something called left-wing conservatism, or socialist right-wingery. Or is it centre right communitarianism? Or communism, possibly. Something like that anyway. He’ll probably get his picture taken with Polly Toynbee and Eric Pickles, the Tory party’s most famous Trot! Not that Dave wants his picture in the paper. Goodness no. We couldn’t care less about things like that. We don’t even know what the Labour press team are up to at the moment. Boring! In any case, our Jedward ad’s funnier than their Jedward ad.
Mr Grayling called to ask me if I was married — again. He says he’s re-read my original job application and nowhere can he find reference to my marital status ‘which just proves everything’. Poor Mr G. He’s not been the same since we told him he had to come up with some policies that weren’t anything to do with Jeremy Kyle. Gary has even had to tell him there are ‘no plans’ to make him Home Secretary after the election although ‘we will inform you the moment that changes’. Gary gets a lot of stick at tribunals for being a bully but he’s actually extremely polite in these situations.
Glad we decided to press ahead with climate change after all, despite the little wobble! Our super plans for green banks; green ISAs and green trading have all gone down a treat and we are back up in the polls — evidence that when it comes to doing what you believe in you really don’t need proof!
Have been sent to help the Candidate Crisis Management Department (‘cutie watch’). Must say, v selfish of Mr Spring to stand down in the turnip stronghold of Suffolk West before Christmas. Anyone would think he doesn’t want Dave to be able to impose an all-women shortlist. But that’s not the most urgent problem. No. 1 priority: keeping Louise Bagshawe safe now that she’s dating a long-haired rock impresario who isn’t her husband, so to speak. (Talk about setting us a challenge!) Dave says she’s to get 24/7 ‘special protection’. Along with the ladies in Suffolk Central. And Beckenham. Oh, and Orpington. Actually it’s probably just easier if I make out a list of the constituencies where we aren’t sending ‘cutie’ backup.