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Diary

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

9 December 2009

12:00 AM

9 December 2009

12:00 AM

Monday

Been agonising over it all weekend but I just don’t think I like the sound of Tammy Waters. I know it’s my best chance to get a safe seat, but Daddy is furious. Says it makes me sound like a country and western singer. Dave is adamant and says it really suits me.

Am starting to wonder if all this shortening of posh names has gone a bit too far. Just because a candidate is called Richard Grosvenor-House-Plunkett-Ernie-Wise-Earl-Grey-Count-Dracula, or whatever poor Mr Drax’s original name was before we mangled it, doesn’t mean he can’t get down with the kids on sink estates.

Take IDS, or Iain Smith, as he will soon be known. He loves going to sink estates and he lives in an enormous manor house and is posher than Dave, or Dav as his friends now refer to him. I’m not really posh. I just sound posh because I had an expensive education. The reality behind my glamorous vintage Chanel exterior is that my family can barely afford to renovate the stable block. Shocking, I know.


Tuesday

Mr Maude gave a super presentation entitled ‘Preparations for a Fourth Term in Opposition’ this morning. It was really funny. He can be such a giggle when he does his silly stats about how our lead is evaporating through complacency. Then Mr Pickles came on and did an equally amusing turn about how things are so bad ‘int’ polls’ we are now withdrawing money from landslide seats and pouring it ‘intut’ seats’ which we need to form a majority. Hilarious stuff! Everyone was laughing so much we got told off by Dav who shouted: ‘This is serious, we might not win you know… No, I mean it, stop laughing, we’re really in trouble… Stop it! The next person to laugh has to shorten their name! By three syllables!’ But he couldn’t make himself heard above all the snorting and giggling. Poppy had both barrels confiscated.

Wednesday

In the interests of transparency, we are issuing a statement about Lord A’s tax status. We wish to make clear that the undertakings he gave us at the time he got his peerage are undertakings he has stuck to. Whether or not those undertakings were to avoid paying tax or to pay it, we cannot say because we don’t know. But we know there were assurances and in any case we’re not going to have any more to do with Lord A after the election just to be on the safe side. That ought to clear things up.

Everyone really getting in the Christmas spirit. Wonky Tom has managed to get hold of a load of black market copies of Speaker Bercow’s ‘Guide to Women’. Mrs B’s selling them off at £50 each. I bought two. They’ll make great stocking fillers.

Thursday

Gids, sorry George, just rushed in v excited. He has come up with the most ingenious economic plan ever to divert attention away from the fact that we can’t decide whether or not to clamp down on banker’s bonuses. We are to call for emergency nationalisation of Cadbury’s! If we succeed it will put a whole new complexion on our much maligned policy of banning chocolate bars from counters.

Because once we create the British Cadbury’s Corporation we’ll control the Dairy Milk, and people won’t laugh so loud at our headline-grabbing threats to ban indecent public displays of chocolate then, will they? Oh no!


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