Tamzin Lightwater’s New Year resolutions
Seal the Deal
Goodness knows why, but the polls are still suggesting that a few strange voters are not yet 101 per cent sure they want Dave for PM. This sounds wacky, but we have to take it seriously and do everything we can to address that last tiny bit of doubt. As such we will be monitoring Dave’s parting 24/7 to make sure it doesn’t creep up into a quiff.
Be Less Posh
I’ve just spent five hours going through shadow Cabinet biographies on Wiki erasing public school references. Painstaking work but the sort of dedication that is going to be needed if we are to gain the British people’s trust. Next task: Issuing new Speech and Language Guidelines to MPs — always flatten vowels where possible; refer to ‘dinner’ or ‘tea’, never ‘supper’. When campaigning in marginals try to slip in references to something called a ‘settee’. Don’t worry about what it means, your constituents will understand. And so on.
Change Name Change
Tammy Waters won’t do. I’ve got to come up with something classless and yet classy. Tamzina Waits, for eg.
Learn an instrument
I’m thinking ukulele or banjo.
Get a pet
Obviously a whippet in a little coat would be ideal.
We ended the year with a U-turn on a U-turn on prisons policy, for heaven’s sake! This cannot be allowed to continue. We must revamp our approach to jettisoning policy with a view to making the transitions between adoption and abandonment much smoother.
Get to grips with Climate Change Change
Are we heading for extinction or aren’t we? Should Dave be carbon offsetting quite so much for using the helicopter for teeny little trips to Oxford which can’t be doing that much harm to polar bears surely? I just wish the scientists would hurry up and make up their minds. It generates tons of paperwork for Yours Truly, not to mention a right old palaver deciding which carbon broker to use. The fees they charge, you wouldn’t believe. Still, it’s all deeply moral.
Get to grips with debt
How are we going to reduce it? Gids says he’s got a cunning plan, he just can’t tell us about it for a while. I’ve got a funny feeling…
Be nicer to Ken Clarke
He’s going to be v important after the election. I’m not saying he’s going to be Chancellor, but best to suck up to him anyway, just in case he gets a shock promotion.
Go for drinks with Mrs Bercow
Not sure why she keeps inviting me to meet her at the Marquis for an orange juice but it can’t hurt, can it?
Steer clear of Lord A
He’s been getting v tetchy lately and I’m sick of being the one who has to deliver messages from Dave asking him when he intends to move all those untidy files he’s still got piled up in the hallway outside his office. Frankly, if he wants to leave them out there and trip over them it’s his business.
Be ready for a snap election
Gordon can’t make it snappy enough for me! Not being complacent, but I think Dave will forgive me for saying I’ve chosen the Pony Club desk tidy I’m taking into No. 10! Happy Snappy New Year everyone!