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Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

6 January 2010

12:00 AM

6 January 2010

12:00 AM


What a way to start The Year For Change! Am quite overwhelmed by the response to my slogan. Dave’s Big Face may be the most successful political poster campaign of all time. And to think how it started. With me walking into Nigel’s office in tears, practically hysterical. Little did I know when I wailed ‘We can’t go on like this!’ while blowing my nose into my cardy sleeve that my words would be up in lights. Of course we left off the rest of the sentence. ‘We’ll have to come up with some detail for the manifesto soon or everyone will work out that Mr Letwin hasn’t even finished the introduction yet and I’m afraid I’m going to say the wrong thing any second now, in fact it’s a miracle I haven’t put my foot in it already!’ is a bit long for a slogan. Besides it might give the wrong impression. The photo-shoot was so exciting, although Sam kept interfering and shouting at him to stick his lower lip out — ‘More chin, Dave!’ If you ask me, we should confine her to minor procedural matters of policy all the time, not important issues like posters.


Some understandable confusion over our Married Couples’ Tax Allowance. But it’s really v simple, as Jed explained in the War Hub this morning. We have not downgraded our commitment, we have simply changed it to a ‘definite hope’. A ‘definite hope’ is better than an aspirational commitment, and certainly better than a plan. Though not as good as a firm plan, or a committed aspiration, obviously. In any case, changing a ‘commitment’ to a ‘hope’ is most definitely not a ‘wobble’, as Labour is claiming. A ‘wobble’ is what we’re having on the NHS, but they haven’t noticed that thank goodness.


Ooh, I love competitions! Jed’s just posted one on the internal email that looks like a real brain teaser. You have to complete this sentence in no fewer than 50 words. ‘When we said we would bring in a maternity nurse for every new mother and 45,000 single rooms in NHS hospitals, what we actually meant was…’ Apparently the clue’s in the question. How much fun is this!?! Not everyone is enjoying the campaign as much as me. Poor Jenny from Events. It’s jolly bad luck to have a nervous breakdown right at the time when it’s official party policy. Everyone thinks she’s Being The Change. She went to Gary to ask for time off but when she said ‘I can’t go on any longer’, he promoted her. She tried to explain she was exhausted but he just said, ‘Yes! At your wits’ end! You go for it, girl!’ and started whooping.


Depression, arguing and sniping really is all the rage! Everyone wants to be part of the exciting new craze of ‘not being able to go on like this’ that is sweeping the nation. I wouldn’t be surprised if suicide rates go up this month. Good job we’re launching our Miliband vs Miliband unit to write lots of jokes for when the Mili Brothers start slugging it out for the leadership after we’ve won — I mean, assuming we win. Although so far we’ve only really managed to come up with half a joke. ‘How many Milibands does it take to change a light bulb?’ Suggestions please.

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