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Diary

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

13 January 2010

12:00 AM

13 January 2010

12:00 AM

Monday

V exciting! Now that we’ve decided to do married tax breaks for couples with children under five we’ll need an acronym. So we’re having a competition! I’ve come up with… the Married Couples With Children Under Five Allowance, or McWicufa. Pretty snappy huh! Everyone joining in the fun except for IDS who’s in a stinky mood and says if we’re going to limit his great innovation to couples with children we had better stipulate how many. He says only those with at least five children all aged under five should qualify. Something to do with God’s will and every sperm being sacred. Wasn’t that a song? I don’t know. He does go on sometimes. He says that once we roll it out to ‘all God-fearing couples joined together under his holy law’ (IDS’s or God’s??) we can fund it by imposing a new tax on those who are ‘living in sin’. If you ask me this is a teensy bit OTT. Still, might be fun to think of a name for it…

Tuesday


How typical of the Copycat Clegg to steal our idea of dumping policies. Can’t he think up any strategies of his own? It doesn’t bother us. U-turns are old hat now. We’re into a whole new approach called Circulation. It’s like Triangulation only it brings you back to where you started quicker. It’s v advanced and I don’t fully understand it but as far as I can make out, it works by you not just changing a policy, you change it then change it back again. Eg spending cuts to spending increases to spending cuts. We’re currently applying it to National Insurance: having said that we can’t reverse Labour’s tax rises we are now promising to (partially) reverse Labour’s tax rises. A little later on we will announce that we can’t reverse (any of) Labour’s tax rises. As I say, it’s complicated.

Wednesday

Severe talking to from Jed this morning after another explosion of ‘What does Dave really stand for?’ articles. He says we’re to get on top of it now before it becomes a serious issue again. Nigel has come up with a handy system for us to work with. It involves a big hat full of folded bits of paper, each with something on it that Dave really believes. We pick something out of the hat, ring a hack and tell them how much Dave thinks it’s the most important issue facing Britain. I hate this. It’s like charades. I always pick Titanic. I shuffled the bits of paper round for ages and pulled out a real humdinger — ‘Pupils should stand up when their teacher enters the classroom’. At least it’s more than one word.

Thursday

Had a brainwave. Suddenly realised our living-in-sin tax could be called the Community Charge, on the basis that it is aimed at strengthening communities! But when I told Jed he made one of his exasperated faces and shouted ‘w****r!’ I don’t think he means it. I think he’s suffering from that swearing disease. I think that’s why he went bonkers at the poor train guard. He can’t stop himself. After all, he invented our big initiative on civility and politeness and has just this week written a keynote speech for Dave on discipline and respect in schools. So he would hardly be going around effing and blinding at everyone if he could help it, would he?


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