Hooray! Have been promoted. Am being given super-powerful new role heading up our Twitter Monitoring Unit! Obviously, because I am no longer able to do policy work, Wonky Tom will take over responsibility for all that boring stuff. So excited. Have a list of the most troublesome Tweeters, most of them called Nadine. There are about ten of her, all v convincing. The one where she blames the Speaker, the BBC and the Pentagon for colluding in an international conspiracy to vandalise her garden furniture is the most authentic. Only slightly disappointing thing is that Poppy has been made Chief Blog Monitor. This could be seen as a bigger promotion than mine as she gets to censor — I mean look after — people like Mr Redwood and his non-stop ravings about how we need to make immediate spending cuts.
Am confused. Poppy has been telling people our promotions aren’t promotions at all. She’s calling them ‘sideways demotions’. She claims all the girls are being ‘sidelined’. Nigel says she’s hysterical and spreading panic. Polly, Jenny, Janie and Ellie are all in tears. ‘How could Dave do this to us?!’ etc. Janie says she was trying to open the car door for Dave this morning when a tall guy appeared from nowhere and said ‘That’s my job!’ Jenny claims she overheard Jed telling Gary it’s all part of Operation Get-A-Grip. ‘No more girls on the frontline, it’s too risky!’ Don’t have time to think about it now. I’ve just caught Mr Vaizey Twittering about the licence fee. Gary’s special equipment is coming in v handy when it comes to shutting down rogue posts.
Huge row between Jed and Gids. Afterwards Gids stormed off muttering, ‘Have your stupid big picture, see if I care!’ Wonder what big picture they’re talking about?
Jed was in stinky mood all day and at one point grabbed Dave by his lapels and shouted: ‘Listen matey! You’re not about to become Head of Pop you know! This isn’t about you getting to wear spongebag trousers. You’re about to take over the country. We need to think big!’ He really is becoming quite disrespectful. He wants to watch it. Joanne Cash (no relation to Johnny apparently) wrote an article referring to Dave as Dave and weeks later she’s no longer a candidate!
By contrast, I remain deeply respectful of and devoted to David. In fact, I’ve created a big picture of my own to hang above my desk using one of Mr Cameron’s most eloquent quotations.
Can’t believe it — Mummy’s got a Twitter account! She’s calling herself ToryMa and is Tweeting inside info gleaned from obvious sources. This is treachery! She says she can’t help herself, she’s a ‘Twitter addict’. After I shut her down she claimed she’d gone cold turkey and was having to use PoshBingo.com instead. Daddy furious. As if that wasn’t enough, someone has vandalised my ‘Too Many Tweets Make a Twit’ poster. Somehow, they’ve managed to make an obscene word out of Twit. This is clearly a conspiracy designed to shut down my unit. I blame Nadine and Mr Vaizey. And the BBC.