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Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

10 March 2010

12:00 AM

10 March 2010

12:00 AM


Massive double red alert!!! Lily Allen dedicated her song ‘F*** You!’ to Dave last night at the O2 arena!! How could she?? We offered her a peerage and a front-bench job as a Treasury minister in the Lords for goodness sake. Tom says it’s cos we took a principled stand against her foul-mouthed Broken Society lyrics. Now she’s directing her BS lyrics at us!! Oh dear, what will happen when Dave finds out??? He’s going to be cross and get red cheeks and then we’ll go down in the marginals even more. Can’t think about it now. Have to take Mr Vaizey his medication. Tom’s done a brilliant job padding the Austerity Room by stapling bubble-wrap to the walls. As well as hallucinating that his ‘best mate Sam’ once told him she voted Labour, Mr V has been imagining weird things about policy. E.g., that we are going to privatise the BBC. Maybe he could front some kind of mental health campaign.


Mr Grayling hanging around all morning asking whether Dave will be his friend again now he’s proved that violent crime is up by 44 per cent. ‘Isn’t this terrific news? All over Britain people are being mugged and raped and murdered more than ever before, just like I said they were!! Are you pleased with me? Can I be one of the Famous Five now? No one knows who Jeremy Hunt is. I’m way more famous than him!’ I said we’d get back to him. He’s got a point about Hunt though. Until last week I didn’t know who he was. He came into the office for an election planning meeting and I told him to man the Low Carbon Handpresso Cappuccino Machine. I thought he was someone’s researcher. Still don’t really know who he is but it’s too late to ask now. Whoever he is he’s jolly vain. He kept checking out his reflection in the stainless steel milk steamer.


Wish they wouldn’t make me deal with Mr Bush. He was on the hotline twice today. V odd conversations we’re having. ‘I know how hard it is for you guys out there in the Cameroons, Tammy, what with the Notting Killers and the different tribes ’n’ all. But I gotta kick some Ulcer Unionice ass here. Tony’s got the Middle East, I got Ireland, you see what I’m saying. Don’t let me down now, Tammy Lightsaber.’ It’s all v confusing. At least we are up in 437 of the 563 new opinion polls out today.


Rumour going round that Charlie Whelan is going to make ‘F*** You (David Cameron edit)’ Labour’s unofficial election theme tune. Talk about negative campaigning. We must remain positive in the face of this union-backed socialist horridness. As Gary, our head of comms, said in an inspiring aide memoire to CCHQ staff this morning: ‘Those ******* Labour ***s are at it again but we won’t ******* stand for their ******* ******** so ******* get out there and do whatever you have to do no matter how down and dirty to win it for ******* Britain! PS. This does not mean I am in any way suggesting or condoning the use of wiretaps or mobile phone hacking, which I know nothing about.’

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