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Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

28 April 2010

12:00 AM

28 April 2010

12:00 AM


Hoorah! After our triumphant hung parliament noose broadcast we are planning an even more direct appeal to the British public to give Dave the majority he deserves. In our next public information film — entitled ‘Britain, beware stupidity!’ — we will argue that the Lib Dem surge is proof that Gordon has made the electorate thick as two short planks. Lack of decent education and dumbing down means we now have a nation of voters so daft they are thinking of choosing Nick Clegg. This just shows why we must get Gordon out of power. Gids will look directly into the camera with a grave, sorrowful expression and say: ‘Another five years of Labour and the people of this country will be so ignorant they might never vote for the Tories again.’ Genius huh! Meanwhile, we are pleased to see the talented Mr Clegg admitting that the only decent thing he can do on 7 May is to ensure Dave takes power. What a farsighted man of the people he turned out to be. You’ve got to hand it to him, he deserves to be Deputy Prime Minister with responsibility for seeing through voting reform.


The infidel Clegg must never get his hands on this great nation of ours! And to think he was trying to persuade us to change our world-renowned voting system. Well, the people of this country will never let him, no matter how daft they are. Even the really idiotic ones will be able to see through the sort of stinky traitor who starts off the week saying he’ll back Dave and a day later declares he would rather prop up a cockney Labour postman who doesn’t even want the job. The cheek of it. To add to the strain, Mr Grayling has been on the phone all morning asking when we are going to let him at it. ‘Jeremy Hunt can’t do scaremongering.’ Then he did his Jezza impression: ‘‘‘A hung parliament would be ever so annoying!” Oh please. What a girly wuss! I’ll tell you what a hung parliament would mean, an extra 50,000 knife crimes a week and two million more illegal immigrants, that’s what.’


So exciting — 34%!!!! If only we had a few more years to really get our message out there, perhaps promise a few more tax cuts, we would be laughing. Jed says the problem is that the poor, stupid voters are confused. He has just given a whiteboard presentation illustrating this. I copied it down: Old Con message: Vote Clegg, get Brown. New Con message: Vote Clegg, get hung. Lab message: Vote Clegg, get Cameron. Lib Dem message: Vote Cameron, get Clegg. Not surprisingly, given how stupid they are, the voters do not know who to vote for any more. Which, of course, is our point entirely. I think.


Oh dear. Lot of people ringing up asking us how to contact the Hung Parliament Party as featured in our election broadcast. One woman said she liked the sound of ‘all that inaction — makes such a nice change from non-stop legislation’. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t what we were aiming for.

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