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Competition Diversions

Competition: Triplicate

Lucy Vickery presents this week's competition

22 January 2011

6:00 AM

22 January 2011

6:00 AM

Lucy Vickery presents this week’s competition

In Competition No. 2681 you were invited to submit a treble clerihew about a public figure who was prominent in 2009 or 2010.

Jaspistos, who ran a similar competition some years ago, noted that it was E.C. Bentley’s son, the author and illustrator Nicolas Bentley, who invented the double clerihew form. Examples of the treble are difficult to track down; my predecessor was breaking new ground with this assignment.

Honourable mentions to John O’Byrne and Frank Osen. Shorter entries mean space for more winners this week. Those printed below are rewarded with £20 each. W.J. Webster storms home with the bonus fiver for the second week in a row. Bravo!

Boris Johnson
Has the presence, fans say, of Charles Bronson—
The ’tache part being played by his thatch,
Natch.

Johnson, Boris
Quite likes quoting Horace,
But not his view of the mob,
Which would make him sound rather a snob.

Mayor BoJo
Occasionally misplaces his mojo:
But it’s magic the way he escapes
From scrapes.
W.J. Webster

Mary Bale
Received a torrent of hostile mail
For dumping an innocent cat in
A bin.

The fate of Lola
Meant many a gnashed molar
Among cat lovers wishing death on Mary.
Scary.

Mary Bale
Did not go to jail.
Her punishment was having to handle
Opprobrium and scandal.
Basil Ransome-Davies


Carol Ann Duffy’s appointment
is a potential fly in the ointment,
since her stated intent
is not necessarily to cover each royal event.

Bearing in mind this year’s royal wedding
and, dynasts hope, the immediately productive
bedding
will she write about either
or neither?

Time was when an aureate,
but invariably obsequious, Laureate
who did not perform when Royals were wedded
risked being beheaded.
Martin Parker

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta
Is like ricotta —
The part of cheesecake
Designed to make the knees ache

And to have eaters whimpering
Or simpering
While they are copping
A peek at its fanciful and luxuriant
topping,

Although frankly I find it too rich
And, to look at, too kitsch:
I’m sick of the saga
Of Lady Gaga.
Bill Greenwell

Ann Widdecombe
did lots of fiddly-some
manoeuvres and prancing
on Strictly Come Dancing.

In her case the full title
’s appropriately rightful;
she threw herself utterly and nobly
into the Paso Doble.

Years as an MP
made her see
the commitment and devotion
required to go through each motion.
D.A. Prince

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Would probably like to win a jihad,
As much as that other Iranian wallah,
The Ayatollah.

President Ahmadinejad of Iran
May or may not be a musical man,
But I would far rather he played the
harmonium
Than with enriched plutonium.

Let us hope Mr Ahmadinejad,
Never gets fightin’ mad,
Because what he might then be inclined to
do
Is nuke You-Know-Who.
Brian Murdoch

Fabio Capello
Is a bespectacled Italian fellow
From the land of opera
With a surfeit of amour-propre

Like a heavenly choir
Hailing the advent of the Messiah
The FA paid Capello
A fortune to stand on the touchline and
bellow.

He boasted that England’s World Cup
chances were strong
But inevitably the Germans came along
And Bloemfontein
Was a pain
G.M. Davis

No. 2684 question time
You are invited to take a well-known literary figure and put them into the role of agony aunt/uncle, submitting a problem of your invention and their solution (150 words max.). Please email entries, where possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 2 February. 


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