When an au pair or nanny writes ‘I was wondering if I could talk to you this evening,’ it is rarely good news. At best, it is to ask for a pay rise; at worst, to give notice of a departure. ‘I’d like to go to Madrid,’ said our beloved au pair one evening, confirming our worst fears, and so began the quest for a new live-in nanny.
We decided not to confront her with this discovery, and she proved a superb au pair
Finding a good au pair or nanny is so fraught with peril that specialist agencies exist to reduce the burden, with some charging thousands of pounds for the service. Even with an agency, the family will need to meet the prospective recruit for an interview. Sometimes, a character flaw is obvious from the outset. On one occasion, I invited an au pair for an interview. As she needed to travel by train, I offered to pay for the ticket. ‘Could you please let me know the cost of the return ticket before you buy it’, I asked, knowing that even short train fares can cost a fortune.
An hour later, I received a text from the au pair: ‘All done. See you Sunday. The ticket cost £174.’ I asked her to send the receipt and saw she had booked a first class return.
When I called her, she explained that only first class tickets remained. I checked online and saw plenty of cheap standard tickets. She had lied and ignored clear instructions, and so that was that. The only question was how much, if anything, I should refund for the now useless £174 ticket. My head said nothing but my heart said otherwise, so I refunded half the cost.
Sometimes, a lie can be tolerated if outweighed by redeeming features. In the employment contract (as a lawyer, I strongly recommend one), we specify that the au pair cannot smoke in the house. We hired one who claimed on her CV to be a non-smoker. On her first day, I went into the garden and looked up; I saw her arm sticking out of the bathroom window, holding a lit cigarette. Unless she had taken up smoking that day, or performing some sort of scientific experiment, she had lied.
We decided not to confront her with this discovery, and she proved a superb au pair, staying with us for three happy years before graduating to nanny in a wealthier, more glamorous family.
Due diligence is an important part of hiring an employee, especially one to whom you’ll entrust your children. This requires more than checking references and ensuring they can legally work in the country. Shortly before an interview with a candidate, I went on Instagram and found her profile full of nearly naked selfies. I called my sister-in-law, a teacher far better acquainted with youngsters than I am, and asked if I should be concerned. ‘How old is she?’. 19, I said. ‘Is she completely naked in the photos?’. No, there were strategically placed pieces of fabric that meant she was not technically naked. ‘In that case, this is perfectly normal. That’s what many teenagers do nowadays.’ We hired her and again had a good experience.
Less happy was the choice of an au pair who came across as terribly mature and serious in the interview. In my eagerness to find someone, I mistakenly took this as a good sign and hired her. Thereafter, she continued in that joyless vein, without loosening up as expected, and proceeded to claim extra pay for every single minute she worked beyond the contracted time. Of course, she conveniently ignored the many times she finished early. Beware the au pair or nanny who appears as serious as a High Court judge. For all their qualities, High Court judges make lousy au pairs.
Nowadays, the most desirable au pairs or nannies know their worth and will appear to interview the family: ‘what qualities do you look for in an au pair?’ they might ask. Such rigour is understandable given the dreadful stories of tyrannical families. On one occasion, I went to pick up a new au pair from her previous family an hour away. When I arrived at the house, I was desperate for the bathroom. I rang the doorbell of a large and beautiful house in the countryside.
An elegantly dressed but fierce-looking lady opened the door. ‘Hello, I’m Daniel. I’m here to pick up Emily. I’m her new employer and we’re very much looking forward to welcoming her into the family.’ ‘Yes, I’ll call her’, answered the lady, ‘She’s in her room upstairs. We’re just finishing dinner.’ ‘Ah, I’m very sorry to trouble you during dinner. Would you mind if I quickly used your bathroom? It’s been a long drive.’ ‘The bathroom? Actually, I believe there is one at the petrol station nearby; it’s only a mile away.’ She pointed a finger into the distance. I thought she was joking. I felt so sorry for Emily and felt like I had rescued Matilda from Miss Trunchbull.
The ultimate goal in the search for an au pair or nanny is to find a good fit between that person and the host family, especially in a live-in arrangement. If you want a harmonious relationship with your au pair, you will need the following: a good interview or two with the candidate, including one in person, an internet search and social media trawl (by both parties), a dose of old fashioned common sense, a degree of flexibility and tolerance at inevitable imperfections (‘Mary Poppins doesn’t exist’, one agency once warned me on the phone, and heaven knows there are no perfect families), and an appreciation that a good au pair or nanny is a happy one.
However, it’s also important to remember that it will not last forever. The day will come where you will receive the dreaded note: ‘I was wondering if I could talk to you this evening.’
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