A totally unmemorable PMQs for Raab and Rayner

Rishi Sunak missed PMQs to attend Betty Boothroyd’s funeral and a half-empty chamber watched the deputies, Dominic Raab and Angela Rayner, slug it out. Rayner, always a crowd-pleaser, began by hailing the late Paul O’Grady as ‘a true northern star.’ And she had fun with the new crackdown on street thuggery or ‘anti-social behaviour’ as our genteel government puts it. Rayner linked this to the Dominic ‘Raabspierre’ allegations made by a handful of snowflake civil servants who felt that the Justice Secretary had mistreated them. It was good knockabout stuff.

Rayner suggested that Raab had personal knowledge of louts ‘exploding in fits of rage and creating a culture of fear, and maybe even, I don’t know, throwing things?’ Raab guessed this was coming. ‘I can assure you, Madam Deputy Speaker,’ he said coldly, ‘I’ve never called anyone scum.’

Then they tussled over rape statistics and Rayner continually muddled up complainants with victims in order to increase the government’s apparent failures. She wrongly assumed that every reported crime must refer to an actual offence, and yet the lawyer Raab failed to point out her error. Perhaps wisely. Rayner would have retaliated by claiming that Raab had accused women of overstating the levels of violence they face. It’s likely that she laid this trap in advance.

Raab was aloof, terse and calculatingly low-key at the despatch-box. He treated the session like an overnight guest who wakes up to find the house on fire and rather than raising the alarm, sneaks out into the garden and lets the property burn to the ground. That tactic worked. Nothing from this session will make the evening news. 

Mairi Black paid tribute to the new SNP leader, Humza Yousaf, and she rejoiced that Bute House is occupied by a First Minister of Asian heritage who professes the Islamic faith. Does he have any actual qualifications for the job? If so, she failed to mention them. A rather demeaning tribute. She brought up the secret clips that show Graham Brady and Kwasi Kwarteng negotiating vast salaries in return for a few perfunctory lobbying duties. Alas, the salaries turned out to be as bogus as the firm offering them. Caught in the same sting was Matt Hancock – much to the relief of Brady and Kwarteng. Hancock is box-office and he gets all the flak.

Black put it to Raab that ‘when he is inevitably booted out of office,’ he too will cast around for lucrative jobs. ‘What will his going rate be?’ she asked. A clever snark but it doesn’t put the minister on the spot. Too many MPs ask questions that exhibit their smart alec credentials but don’t advance the voters’ interests. 

Betty Boothroyd, a daughter of Dewsbury, was mentioned by the local MP, Mark Eastwood. But as the session wore on her name was forgotten as MPs queued up to commemorate O’Grady and his alter ego, Lily Savage. Wannabe comic, Chris Bryant, told a rambling anecdote about strip-searches at gay clubs 40 years ago – which is hardly a government responsibility. The standup should have been told to sit down. But he was allowed to finish his routine by an indulgent Deputy Speaker. ‘Isn’t it time we celebrated our hilarious naughty drag queens?’ asked Bryant. Raab took the bait and hailed O’Grady as ‘an incredible comedian.’ Even Caroline Dinenage felt obliged to praise O’Grady before reaching the point of her question which, almost incredibly, was cancer prevention for children. 

It might have been Betty Boothroyd day in the Commons but the first female Speaker was side-lined by a variety artiste and panto actor. Soon they’ll be lobbying for National Naughty Drag Queen Month.