Poppy says if you put your ear to the ground it sounds very much like a thousand people quietly screaming, ‘Gordon is coming!’ All the talk is of ‘timetables’ and ‘transitions’.
Monday
Poppy says if you put your ear to the ground it sounds very much like a thousand people quietly screaming, ‘Gordon is coming!’ All the talk is of ‘timetables’ and ‘transitions’. Hezza has been on the phone saying it takes him back to ‘the glory days of ’90, yes indeed, mmmm’. Poppy says Dave will have to change too or Gordon will rip ‘his head straight off’. She says with glassy eyes that only DD has the stamina to withstand the onslaught of old-fashioned political violence that is about to be unleashed. She needs help, I think.
Tuesday
We are compiling a list of ‘Bad Things about Gordon’. Gideon says he taps his glass eye with his pen when you’re trying to speak at the Dispatch Box. How horrid is that?! Meanwhile, another directive from Mr Maude reminding us that the line to take on our fortunes is still that we are ‘useless and doomed’. Ever since we did well in the local elections he has been moping around like the grim reaper. According to him, we remain ‘pointless, irrelevant and pathetic’. Apparently when he heard we had won 40 per cent of the vote he said, ‘Christ, what a disaster.’ Nigel says this is sophisticated Victory Management. If we allow our people to think they have won something they will creep back to the Churchill dining-room and uncork the VSOP. Very clever.
Wednesday
The list of things we’re not allowed to mention is growing. I’m afraid I have so many banned words to banish from my memory I can barely remember what it is I’m supposed to have forgotten. When I arrived it was just ‘tax’, but within weeks there was ‘immigration’, ‘Europe’ and the word ‘Tory’. Very bad, apparently. Now it’s ‘don’t mention the EPP’, which I have to say I wasn’t planning to, but apparently a lot of our MPs were. It seems Dave promised some elderly gentlemen from a group called the Tombstones that he would move the Tory, sorry, Conservative MEPs into a more anti-European group. They managed to scrape together some lost souls from the Latvian Law and Justice party, the Belgian Bring and Buy party, and a furious French gypsy called Jean-Luc, but they can’t decide on a name. Been haggling over it for six months. Dave suggested ‘European Conservatives’, which I think is a bit dull, but none of the other parties wanted to be known by the ‘C’ word. Said it was obscene. Things not helped by the bizarre disappearance of the foreign affairs team. Nigel says it’s one of life’s great mysteries what Hague and Foxy do all day. He thinks they have relocated to a secret bunker where they play judo and plan the revolution. Hague planning new attack moves for Mrs Beckett.
Thursday
Not sure how many more of these scare stories about Brown I can take. Poppy says she heard that he once ate an entire pig for a bet and that he only sleeps between 3 and 4 a.m. He also has a crack team called the Death Squad who trawl through secret files looking for nasty things about our frontbenchers. Oh, and he’s monitoring all of us and probably knows where we live.
Friday
Pop and I told not to come in today because we are hysterical and spreading panic. Like we need to try.
Comments