Shortly before noon, Sir Keir Starmer and his closest chums peeped out from behind the Speaker’s chair to see if it was safe to enter the chamber. Led by their boss, the furtive cabal of Granny-chillers sidled forward and tiptoed to their seats like naughty teenagers late for a geography class. What had they been doing backstage? Knitting cardigans for hypothermia victims perhaps. A few perfunctory chirrups greeted their arrival but most Labour MPs kept quiet. They were too scared to cheer the man who wants to raise cash by mugging pensioners this winter. Rishi Sunak went straight for Sir Keir’s weak spot and asked about an ‘impact assessment’ into his plan to fleece the elderly.
‘The fact of the matter is,’ said Sir Keir, ‘they left a £22 billion black-hole.’ Yes, we’ve heard about that. Rishi asked again. Why not publish the impact assessment?
‘I remember the days when they were concerned about balancing the books,’ said Sir Keir, dodging a blow that had already landed.
Rishi quoted a second report, ‘Labour’s own analysis’, which estimates that the cash-grab could lead to ‘3,850 deaths’. He asked if this very precise figure was higher or lower than the estimates given in other advice seen by Sir Keir. No answer was forthcoming. Just more flannel about ‘taking decisions’ to stabilise the economy. Then Sir Keir had a Joe Biden moment and forgot that he was prime minister.
‘He goes around pretending that everything’s fine,’ he said to the Tory leader – which is a line Sir Keir often used in opposition. The brain-fog cleared, thankfully, and Sir Keir remembered that he’s leading the country. But his answers to Rishi revealed a shocking truth. The PM wants to cull pensioners but he doesn’t know how many are on the list. Two more fascinating points emerged today. Sir Keir’s ‘black-hole’ theory was destroyed by a chance comment from Tessa Munt who complained that the Tories had betrayed Farmer Giles.
‘The previous government underspent the farming budget by £100m,’ she said.
They underspent! So the ‘black hole’ is a mirage. And Sir Keir is sitting on a chunk of unallocated cash that could be used to insulate bungalows and to thaw icicles off window-panes. They won’t do it. The cabinet fiddles while Granny freezes. Then Sir Keir admitted that his money-saving attack on pensioners will be revenue neutral.
‘The state pension will increase by more than any loss in the winter fuel allowance,’ he said. So he’s admitted it. The gaping fissure will have to be filled from other sources. Or, as seems more likely, the black hole never existed in the first place. It was an intergalactic whopper.
A new Labour member, Mark Ferguson, asked about a sick constituent who needs an experimental treatment that hasn’t yet been lisenced. ‘The drug must be administered within 90 days,’ said Ferguson, and he asked the PM to meet the patient ‘and discuss the live-saving care she needs.’
‘Yes’ was too hard for Sir Keir. Instead he talked about the paperwork. ‘We will ensure that the process will be completed as soon as possible,’ he droned, lending fresh ammunition to those who see him as a bloodless bureaucrat. Consider what he just did. A suffering voter begs for a personal visit and the Prime Minister talks about inky chits and pieces of stapled foolscap. This isn’t a human being. It’s a briefcase with a pulse. Labour MPs have already fallen out of love with their robotic boss. The country will soon follow.
There was an eye-catching performance from Sir Keir’s deputy, Angela Rayner, who sported a bright pink trouser-suit today. But her jaunty costume seemed to conflict with her thunderous mood. She glowered and simmered through PMQs in silent rage. She could easily outdo Sir Keir for warmth, energy, mischief and wit. Life would better under Rayner. She knows it. Labour will start to realise it too. Is Sir Keir’s second term already in doubt?
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