The French government has banned smoking at the beach, a performative gesture for a government that’s incapable of doing anything about a €3 trillion deficit, uncontrolled borders and lawlessness. As it’s in the mood for banning things at the beach, it should listen to me and ban caravans.
Here in the Deep South of France, just by the interchange of the A9 motorway and the departmental route 13, is a sprawling prairie containing thousands of dead, rotting caravans and camping vans.
The only good caravan is a dead caravan. Unfortunately, as one dies, another is born
It’s like an abandoned suburb of Dante’s inferno. It’s the Hotel California for these mobile pollution factories. The damned things check in, and never leave. The graveyard has been there for at least 25 years, steadily expanding, and I cheer every time I see it. The only good caravan is a dead caravan. Unfortunately, as one dies, another is born.
It’s hotting up here and the invasion of camping vehicles is underway. Tourists are not too annoying per se, if they stay in their lane. The per quod is the tourist who brings his own aluminium dwelling. They are, literally, in my lane. The roads to the coast become an enormous lateral car park, clogged with German and Dutch camping cars.
These are not dinky garden shed on wheels, of sentimental memory, hitched to a Ford Anglia. Although culturally there is a strong resonance to the 1969 film Carry on Camping, in which Sid and Bernie take their girlfriends to a campsite, expecting a nudist paradise but find a muddy field instead. Except that here instead of a bog, they can corral themselves into one of the grim caravan car parks and barbecue.
I don’t know what they expect to find after schlepping for 1,000 kilometres. A paradise it’s not, as giant Asiatic mosquitoes swarm around the sanitation station where the happy holiday makers empty their chemical toilets. Although there are plenty of nudie beaches.
But hope springs eternal, apparently. Many of today’s vehicles are the size of inter-city coaches. They’re like the land behemoth in that early episode of The Simpsons, with four deep fryers, one for each part of the chicken. Some of them are even towing cars – tenders to the behemoths. And they almost all sprout a satellite dish. Why do the owners of these awful vehicles go on holiday at all? To watch soap operas, parked up on the beach?
Net zero forms no part of my argument. I’m motivated more by visceral hatred. I doubt banning caravans would lower global temperatures. The problem is that camping vehicles are purely selfish. It’s not merely the camping cars, it’s the antisocial behaviour of their owners.
Greece has already banned parking on beaches and forests after camping cars caused ‘irreversible harm’ to the sensitive coast, including the generation of improperly disposed of grey water and black water.
Not a summer passes here without one of these monsters catching fire, their bottled propane exploding in spectacular fashion. Others simply fall apart and are towed to the caravan cemetery. Tough luck for the proprietors.
Tough luck for everyone else is that until they do self-destruct, they clog roads and make life a misery for everyone else. The people who drive them are often clueless. Towed caravans blow over in the wind and oscillate dangerously. Sometimes they simply detach from their tow vehicles and go on self-guided excursions into the ditch. The latest trend is the off-road motor home, designed for getting back to nature, while destroying it.
Several European countries, including the Netherlands, have introduced or are considering measures to regulate caravans and camping vehicles due to the obvious environmental impacts, congestion and safety concerns.
Since January, 15 Dutch cities have implemented zero-emission zones, with plans for 14 more by 2030. These zones restrict access to diesel-powered caravans and motorhomes, unless they meet stringent emission standards. Cities like Amsterdam, Utrecht, and The Hague have environmental zones where diesel vehicles face restrictions, impacting older camping vehicles. Violations can result in fines up to €750 and potential driving bans.
Greece has significantly restricted campervan parking in public spaces like beaches, forests, and archaeological sites to protect natural and cultural environments from campers who think they have the right pull up anywhere they like.
Denmark, facing a 27 per cent increase in campervans over five years, has introduced regulations to address local complaints about mass parking, littering, and blocked views. In Iceland, vehicle camping outside organised campgrounds is now illegal.
These are largely cosmetic measures. The scourge of camping vehicles has been largely unchecked. The market trend is grim. There are already 6.3 million of these monsters on the road in Europe: 1.6 million in Germany, 835,000 in the UK, 1.15 million in France and 600,000 in the Netherlands.
Tax them into extinction, is my proposal. And dump the carcasses into the caravan boneyard down by the A9. Doubtless the caravan lobby will shortly be after my blood. My answer to them is get out of my way, and get a room.
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