The swallows have long returned and the summer party season is almost upon us – so I must get organising. Without wishing to be immodest, I think it is widely acknowledged among the UK’s beautiful people that my alfresco July event – it is so much more than a party – is always the highlight of the year.
Naked transgendered dwarves, sprayed gold, pass from celebrity to celebrity with trays of delectable morsels balanced on their shaven heads. There is an unending supply of the most expensive champagne and vast pools of scrumptious dips. You can’t come, I’m afraid – it’s only for A-list celebrities, people who have holdings in Panamanian bank accounts and one or two Russian oligarchs plus their whores.
Every year I nominate three celebrities to deliver a speech to the assembled throng on a subject of my choosing. This year I have picked the brilliant singer Elton John, famous for a song about a candle blowing out, the charismatic actor Hugh Bonneville and the fiery manager of Crystal Palace, Alan Pardew. Now all I have to do is pick the subjects and we can all relax and enjoy the performance.