The new year challenge was to compose a thank-you letter for a particularly unenjoyable Christmas visit to relatives that manages to be diplomatic but deters them from ever inviting you again.
This one obviously struck a chord. You produced a catalogue of seasonal torture that had me squirming in my judging throne: uncomfortable blow-up beds; minimal central heating; lecherous uncles; interminable Trivial Pursuit sessions; 2,000-piece jigsaws (‘all week spent on that dried-up riverbed from central Africa’ — Jeremy Carlisle); unpalatable vegan food; home-made celery, nettle and parsnip (mulled!) wine. And so it went on.
There was nice work all round, but high fives in particular to William Casement, J.C.H. Mounsey, Andrew Currie and Frances Hawxwell, who were unlucky losers. The winners earn £30 each and Adrian Fry pockets the bonus fiver.
Happy new year.
Adrian Fry
Cousin Charles,
What an unending pleasure Christmas in the Dickens household proved. From the moment little Dora played her piccolo at us upon arrival to your insistence young Alfred recite Tennyson’s ‘In Memoriam’, in full, to mark our departure, the entertainments were unceasing. Our sides continue to ache from your inexhaustible supply of practical jokes and impersonations. It was a privilege to be conscripted into absolutely every performance of your family pantomimes, particularly as you unfailingly managed to make comic capital of my wife’s disabling stammer: she will never forget it. Walking at night was another novel festive pleasure; without your bellowed excerpts from Barnaby Rudge by which to orient ourselves, we should have been quite lost. To be so much part of your clan that Charles Jnr ran up bills in my name was privilege indeed; we shan’t return next year lest he be embarrassed by such an intimacy.
W.J. Webster
My dear Annie and Jude,
I really must thank you for a quite unbelievable holiday visit. When you told me to expect a ‘green and simple’ Christmas I had visions of holly and ivy decking the halls. I didn’t dream I should be taking part in a seasonal eco-gift to the planet. What a surprise to met at the station by Jude and his bikeshaw — I certainly shan’t forget that journey! But then so much was so memorable. Whilst waste-not-want-not is my motto too, your lavatorial systems were a revelation. And the Iroquois blanket-huddle was a treasurable way of challenging the evening chill. As a Christmas dinner dish, Annie’s herby leek and lentil bake can only be a vegetarian non-pareil, perfectly complemented by the mulled parsnip wine.
Thank you so much for inviting your stick-in-the-mud old aunt and giving me such an unrepeatable experience.
Bill Greenwell
Dear Auntie Mary
It was so agreeable to be with ‘the old folks’ again this Christmas! Thank you so much. We enjoyed playing the old-time games — Charades, Clumps, Twenty Questions — and with such highly amusing clues. We certainly never expected to be tested on our knowledge of Captain Marryat’s novels again! Great fun. Christopher asked repeatedly about Samuel Smiles on the way home; and Alison has asked a thousand times how it’s possible to make milk pud. Both admired the ‘bed by 8’ regime: such a joy.
When Uncle Jim was ‘in his cups’ – don’t tell him, he won’t remember – he suggested that next time we bring our own games as a return fixture. We’ll bring all the Xbox gear, and you will be able to enjoy Forza Motorsport 4 and Red Dead Redemption— no saying you aren’t techie! We will enjoy teaching you.
Thank you for the postal order.
D.A. Prince
Dear Brian
The all-encompassing warmth of your hospitality: how can I thank you for your insistence that I experience ‘a proper family Christmas’! I’m sorry I was such a let-down in your quiz and broke your run of captaining the winning team. I’m afraid a diet of LRB and TLS left me ill prepared for questions on television celebrities and their off-screen relationships. Still, my ignorance of — Tickly, was it? — raised a laugh. I hope I brought other contributions to the festive fare: Aunt Lucy seemed to enjoy my comparison of recent Ring cycles — and I hope she’s located her hearing aid by now. A pity Jaylee had nightmares after my Fafner impersonations — such a sensitive child. Your son-in-law (not Jaylee’s father — I understand now) filled me in comprehensively of how you all fit together. What a family! No hard feelings about the black eye, honestly.
A bientôt,
Charles
Frank Upton
Dear _____
Thank you so much for a most stimulating Christmas. It was such a refreshing idea of yours to parody the stuffy Xmas tradition, with those hilariously tiny, sticky drinks, ‘nibbles’ that nobody would contemplate at any other season, deliciously retro ‘decorations’ and absurd ‘presents’. Even the charity shop lady pursed her lips at ours! Well done indeed! — for we all got into the Banksy ‘Dismaland’ spirit of sour pastiche and it positively did us good to pig out on junk TV for once. If I could venture a teensy criticism, though, while the goose was a witty comment on the gross and greasy Dickensian tradition, it was actually quite tasty (and well cooked!). Next year, perhaps, an economy bucket of reheated chicken nuggets? We promise to bring our illuminated, swearing Santa, musical socks and the absolute, ultimate madcap board game (banned in Singapore!).
Happy New Year!
Your next challenge is to submit a psychiatric report on a well-known character from literature (150 words maximum and please specify). Please email entries, wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 13 January.
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