Field sex is, I believe, an experience that unites those from all walks of life. Whether it was a drunken fumble, a discreet teenage quickie hidden from your parents or a planned act to inject some spice into your waning marriage, plenty of us have felt the vulnerability of walking to the car with a muddy back, anxiously wondering if we’d been spotted by a dog walker.
Admittedly, field sex etiquette isn’t something that I’ve put much thought into. But after Prince Harry’s older woman (two years older to be exact) laid bare her five-minute rendezvous with the adolescent royal, it got me thinking about the right way to do it.
The California-based prince is getting a bit of stick over this story. Sasha Walpole, the now 40-year-old digger driver who deflowered Harry, described the 2001 encounter as a ‘five-minute wham-bam between two friends’. Charming. But it must be said that the prince didn’t help himself, having written in his memoir Spare: ‘She treated me not unlike a young stallion. Quick ride, after which she’d smacked my rump and sent me to grace.’
Any man who describes himself as a young stallion deserves ridicule. But at least Harry’s account of the encounter was entertaining and not just another excuse to bore on about his troubles. Not exactly an ideal story of losing your virginity, but entertaining nonetheless. I must admit that when I first heard the words ‘older woman’ and ‘treated me like a young stallion’, I imagined a Mrs Robinson type figure, stepping out into the field head to toe in tweed equipped with a horse whip. She spotted young Harry, like a huntsman with their prey, untied her long, brown hair which fell to her waist and said ‘Heel, boy’. Or in this case, Your Royal Highness. Harry then fell to the ground, his auburn mop sinking into the mud as they passionately bonked all night.
A girl can dream, or read a Jilly Cooper novel.