Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Why compulsory microchipping is bad for caring dog-owners

9 April 2016 9:00 am

Compulsory microchipping of dogs will hurt caring pet owners – but help busybodies

Penury dictates that I find more lucrative work — but I can’t afford to

9 April 2016 9:00 am

My adventures in penury land me with two job applications on my screen, one for MI6, one for Sainsbury’s. Do…

I knew my reasonably priced car insurance couldn’t last

2 April 2016 9:00 am

After a year of affordable car insurance, I knew I had to be in for it when my premium came…

I am keeping the vet in work all on my own

26 March 2016 9:00 am

If you are the sort of person who enjoys tinkering with a classic car prone to myriad mechanical problems then…

All I wanted was a washer for my tap and I ended up with a new bathroom

19 March 2016 9:00 am

Diamonds are for ever. Plumbers take a lifetime. They never finish. No job is too big or small for them…

My horse's race career hangs by a tendon

12 March 2016 9:00 am

‘Racing is 99.9 per cent disappointment,’ said the trainer philosophically, as I sat in the yard sipping coffee, waiting for…

Five little words that signify catastrophe

5 March 2016 9:00 am

Darcy trod on a screw. Five little words which, if Darcy was anything other than a thoroughbred horse, might signify…

My tyre-fitter tried to recruit me as a jihadi bride

27 February 2016 9:00 am

The last time I bought a set of tyres in south London I came away not quite knowing whether I…

Victorian south London plumbing is pure evil

20 February 2016 9:00 am

My upstairs neighbours are terribly nice, but too naive to be allowed to renovate their flat in peace. The two…

There is affordable healthcare the other side of the Hindhead tunnel

13 February 2016 9:00 am

After the £1,100 quote from the vet in London I drove down the A3 and out the other side of…

My speed awareness course might push me over the limit again

6 February 2016 9:00 am

If these speed awareness courses get much more entertaining and informative they might become a dangerous incentive to break the…

How to make a vet blush

30 January 2016 9:00 am

My attempt to have a small cyst removed from the spaniel was always going to be fraught with difficulty. My…

Next time I go to India, I want imperialism 2.0

23 January 2016 9:00 am

When in India, I always appal my highly educated tour guides. They despair of me, as they drag me round…

The rights agenda is a game of scissors paper stone

16 January 2016 9:00 am

All disputes are now a clash of rights in which both sides compete to see who has the greatest claim…

Doing The Birdie Song on the back of a trainee racehorse

9 January 2016 9:00 am

‘Start at the back and try to pass as many horses as you can,’ said the trainer, as we stepped…

The left-wing lunacy of Tooting Honey Toilets

2 January 2016 9:00 am

‘Sadly, the world is filled with apathy,’ said my friend, as we looked at our sad little list of conscripts…

My part-time boyfriend and I bonded over the Tooting Honey Toilets

12 December 2015 9:00 am

A boyfriend’s for life, not just for Christmas. It’s no good me getting myself a nice cuddly man with whom…

Here’s the worst that can happen when you go on a date

5 December 2015 9:00 am

Go on, they said. Go on a date. Let your friend fix you up with a nice eligible man. Nothing…

(Photo: Getty)

The sabs hate us because we’re patriotic, top-rate tax-paying, law-abiding scum

28 November 2015 9:00 am

‘You lot are a disgrace! Chasing after defenceless animals on horseback!’ The bearded anti was on his mountain bike on…

Don’t get on the Clapham omnibus; you might never get off

21 November 2015 9:00 am

I got on a bus. Well, I wasn’t to know, was I? I just saw a bus stop by the…

They shoot horses, don’t they?

14 November 2015 9:00 am

By the time you read this I will have delivered my long-awaited speech to the World Horse Welfare annual conference…

Puppy parents’ evening — or money for old rope

7 November 2015 9:00 am

A letter has arrived summoning me to parents’ evening to discuss Cydney’s progress. Yes, I am aware that Cydney is…

If there were bones sticking out, I’m out — midlife crisis or no midlife crisis

29 October 2015 9:00 am

‘This is a two Voltarol day,’ I thought, as I popped another pill and settled into the bath after Darcy’s…

Why over-forties like me still need feminism

29 October 2015 9:00 am

For older women, the battle for equality is far from won

Sabs don’t want to stop fox-hunting; they never did

24 October 2015 9:00 am

Devotee of the old ways though I am, I can just about understand why a misguided animal lover might oppose…