The dietary obnoxiousness of the Catholic Church
A few moments after saying the communion rite, the priest looked at his congregation and uttered easily the most disturbing…
Never speak to the inland revenue at New Year
The most annoying thing about starting a new year is how long it takes for everyone to crank themselves back…
It’s been a fraught, divisive year but there’s a glimmer of hope in Raynes Park
What a fraught, divisive, infuriating sort of year it’s been. It started with me attempting to go on a blind…
Will I be the only right-winger in the village?
‘Right, this is it,’ I said to the builder boyfriend. ‘I am going to knock on the door of next…
The middle-class future is thousands of pounds worth of fines
‘How was your week?’ I asked my friend as we rode our horses to Bookham Common. ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘Except…
The hidden benefits of being with EE (E)
A few weeks after switching my iPhone to the EE network, I noticed a funny thing. It hadn’t rung. I…
My solvent Israeli friend had the best of the NHS without paying a penny
The Israeli chef and I have become firm friends since he moved out of my flat. He has his own…
Airbnb has gone Marxist
A wonderful email has arrived from Airbnb entitled ‘Discrimination and Belonging — What It Means For You’. Having tried to…
Are they going to sacrifice a Brexiteer on Ripley Bonfire?
For three months after I move to the country, I am told, I am going to be in the most…
London has overtaken me: I want fewer varieties of variety
Coffee shops are becoming impossible. I had been standing in the queue at Caffè Nero on Battersea Rise for nearly…
I’m far too right-wing for quinoa
After the Fawlty Towers incident, I decided it was best to research the origin and extraction of all future B&B…
Can't I just get through dinner without some Remainer interrupting?
Against all odds, I almost got through an entire Brexit dinner with dignity, and without opening the valve in my…
Attacked by Liz Jones and Rod Liddle in the space of a week? I must be doing something right
After a year dealing with estate agents I can only say: a plague on all their houses, except the one…
NHS GPs never, ever have the answers I am seeking
‘If you ask me,’ said the builder boyfriend, watching me hobble down the street as we set off for an…
Rewilding: the left’s latest crazy, dangerous idea
Why rewilding is mad, bad and dangerous to do
What to do if your fortysomething feet won’t flex in the morning
Out of the blue, I woke up one morning and my feet didn’t work. I opened my eyes, swung my…
A Jerry Maguire moment in Little Waitrose
‘This is the last straw. Never again,’ I thought, as I sat in the carpark of a Little Waitrose eating…
My estate agent is using sex to sell my flat
What is happening to estate agents? Or let me put it another way. If the professional classes thought they were…
Will I ever find a decent place in the country?
‘Oh no, I can’t bear it,’ said the builder boyfriend when I told him I wanted to look at one…
I wanted somewhere to put a piano. I got a Big Yellow night of the soul
‘How did I get here?’ I think dazedly. I am sitting in the Big Yellow Self Storage in Balham being…
No one in the NHS can even see me, let alone treat me!
Whenever I try to use the NHS I end up feeling like Bruce Willis’s character in The Sixth Sense. No…
How to save on vet's bills with gaffer tape
The builder boyfriend colicked for a week after eating a falafel kebab as he and I sat up all night…
My horse is a grassoholic
One look at Grace when I went to get her in from the field, and I knew she had eaten…
It was a fight to the death at Eurotunnel Burger King
The colourful banners at the Eurotunnel terminal at Calais spell out the words Treat Shop Relax Refresh Eat. But it…
Why Cydney the spaniel loves France
Market day in Bergerac and the streets are paved with chicken bones. As a spaniel, I am bound to say…
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