Why bathroom fittings are getting above themselves
Some people get into the choosing of tap fittings. I am not a person who gets into the choosing of…
I am trapped – they won’t let me leave London!
‘Information,’ came the reply. ‘We want information.’ The voice echoed in my head. Oh no. Oh please God, no. A…
The device that killed grammar
Of all the many indignities I have suffered at the hands of my iPhone, the humiliation that sickens me the…
The curse of the gastro-preneur
‘Mesdames et messieurs, allow me to introduce you to your meals,’ said the waiter. Oh lordy, I thought. Here we…
How not to be a model ex-girlfriend
Someone has given the builder boyfriend an iPhone and things will never be the same. Until now, he has always…
The moral case against building an extension
If it takes any longer to find a buyer for my London flat I am going to start coming to…
Is not riding the new riding?
Shoot me if I ever let slip I’ve been mucking out with rubber gloves and a dustpan and brush. As…
‘Unexpectedly re-available’ is a phrase that speaks to me
Unexpectedly re-available is a very good phrase. I have often seen it applied to house advertisements and thought how fabulously…
My kitchen kink is causing merry hell
Fine, so I got it completely wrong. It turns out the sale of my flat was not held up by…
Was it going to cost me £130 or £260 to pee on a red route?
The builder boyfriend declared himself very happy with his £65 pee. He insisted it was good value for money because…
Is this the most expensive pee ever?
As if by magic, a sign that I am doing the right thing by moving out of London arrived in…
The buyer of my flat has an unhealthy obsession with my wiggle
The problem holding up my house move turns out to be a wiggle. Have you ever had a wiggle? It…
For really ethical fur, hunt it yourself
The cant around ‘ethical fur’
If Donald Trump doesn’t cause market meltdown the sale of my London flat will
If the buyer asks me any more questions I am going to pull out. I have to put my foot…
The dietary obnoxiousness of the Catholic Church
A few moments after saying the communion rite, the priest looked at his congregation and uttered easily the most disturbing…
Never speak to the inland revenue at New Year
The most annoying thing about starting a new year is how long it takes for everyone to crank themselves back…
It’s been a fraught, divisive year but there’s a glimmer of hope in Raynes Park
What a fraught, divisive, infuriating sort of year it’s been. It started with me attempting to go on a blind…
Will I be the only right-winger in the village?
‘Right, this is it,’ I said to the builder boyfriend. ‘I am going to knock on the door of next…
The middle-class future is thousands of pounds worth of fines
‘How was your week?’ I asked my friend as we rode our horses to Bookham Common. ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘Except…
The hidden benefits of being with EE (E)
A few weeks after switching my iPhone to the EE network, I noticed a funny thing. It hadn’t rung. I…
My solvent Israeli friend had the best of the NHS without paying a penny
The Israeli chef and I have become firm friends since he moved out of my flat. He has his own…
Airbnb has gone Marxist
A wonderful email has arrived from Airbnb entitled ‘Discrimination and Belonging — What It Means For You’. Having tried to…
Are they going to sacrifice a Brexiteer on Ripley Bonfire?
For three months after I move to the country, I am told, I am going to be in the most…
London has overtaken me: I want fewer varieties of variety
Coffee shops are becoming impossible. I had been standing in the queue at Caffè Nero on Battersea Rise for nearly…
I’m far too right-wing for quinoa
After the Fawlty Towers incident, I decided it was best to research the origin and extraction of all future B&B…
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