London has overtaken me: I want fewer varieties of variety
Coffee shops are becoming impossible. I had been standing in the queue at Caffè Nero on Battersea Rise for nearly…
I’m far too right-wing for quinoa
After the Fawlty Towers incident, I decided it was best to research the origin and extraction of all future B&B…
Can't I just get through dinner without some Remainer interrupting?
Against all odds, I almost got through an entire Brexit dinner with dignity, and without opening the valve in my…
Attacked by Liz Jones and Rod Liddle in the space of a week? I must be doing something right
After a year dealing with estate agents I can only say: a plague on all their houses, except the one…
NHS GPs never, ever have the answers I am seeking
‘If you ask me,’ said the builder boyfriend, watching me hobble down the street as we set off for an…
Rewilding: the left’s latest crazy, dangerous idea
Why rewilding is mad, bad and dangerous to do
What to do if your fortysomething feet won’t flex in the morning
Out of the blue, I woke up one morning and my feet didn’t work. I opened my eyes, swung my…
A Jerry Maguire moment in Little Waitrose
‘This is the last straw. Never again,’ I thought, as I sat in the carpark of a Little Waitrose eating…
My estate agent is using sex to sell my flat
What is happening to estate agents? Or let me put it another way. If the professional classes thought they were…
Will I ever find a decent place in the country?
‘Oh no, I can’t bear it,’ said the builder boyfriend when I told him I wanted to look at one…
I wanted somewhere to put a piano. I got a Big Yellow night of the soul
‘How did I get here?’ I think dazedly. I am sitting in the Big Yellow Self Storage in Balham being…
No one in the NHS can even see me, let alone treat me!
Whenever I try to use the NHS I end up feeling like Bruce Willis’s character in The Sixth Sense. No…
How to save on vet's bills with gaffer tape
The builder boyfriend colicked for a week after eating a falafel kebab as he and I sat up all night…
My horse is a grassoholic
One look at Grace when I went to get her in from the field, and I knew she had eaten…
It was a fight to the death at Eurotunnel Burger King
The colourful banners at the Eurotunnel terminal at Calais spell out the words Treat Shop Relax Refresh Eat. But it…
Why Cydney the spaniel loves France
Market day in Bergerac and the streets are paved with chicken bones. As a spaniel, I am bound to say…
A love letter to France from a Leaver
Bonjour mes amis! Cydney spaniel ici, en France! Well, the Eurotunnel was very nice, although the dog departure lounge could…
I can’t afford to lose another friend to this referendum
‘Of course, there will be no air quality now,’ said a friend, shaking her head over my support for Brexit.…
Why I took down my Vote Leave poster
We fled Balham after the result, having been outed as the only Leave voters in Lambeth. The builder boyfriend and…
I refuse to give in to the forces of chav-enism
The cottage in Surrey has fallen through, for the time being at least. Maybe I am going to be a…
If Britain votes Remain, I’m moving to France
‘This EU passport is an outrage. I want a British one!’ Not my words, Cydney’s. The spaniel is coming round…
Independent cafés: the scourge of all England
Would you like a Labour party manifesto with your breakfast?’ the tattooed, multi-pierced waitress might as well have asked as…
The grass may have been tasty but it landed me in A&E
Turns out you can’t eat grass. A horse does something clever to it in its mouth that humans can’t. Fine,…
What on earth was the girl from Taiwan doing in my bedroom?
After a tense two week stand-off, the Balham Airbnb Crisis has been resolved. My upstairs neighbour and I have drawn…
I am handmaiden to a foul-mouthed member of the royal family
Some people call their house Dun Roamin’ to sum up their state of mind. After ten weeks ministering to my…
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