The builder boyfriend has gone – again
Like Steve McQueen gone slightly to seed, the builder boyfriend strode off into the sunset. Nothing becomes him so much…
Is this Surrey or Rorke’s Drift?
‘This situation is Rorke’s Drift,’ said the builder boyfriend, after our proposed renovations were objected to at the parish council’s…
I nearly have a house in the country, but not quite
Quite stoically, I was mountaineering on my hands and knees over a sea of rubble to get to the temporary…
My journey to hell with Sky TV
Two months after I cancelled Sky, a strange letter arrived in the post. ‘We are writing to you because we…
Is this Britain’s bossiest village?
‘What do you think it means?’ I asked the builder boyfriend as we stood in front of the sign. A…
When the builder boyfriend works late, I have to hunt for food alone, like a lioness
Last night, I had dinner at the M25 services. I don’t mean I stopped for a break mid-journey. I mean…
Am I the only non-Lib Dem in the village?
Since moving to my dream home in the country a month ago, I’ve only had to fight a parking dispute,…
I’m being terrorised by a Surrey family of optometrists
All had gone suspiciously quiet down our little track on the village green, and we had begun to think we…
There’s no escape from mindfulness
And so, as it must, the pilgrimage to find a local GP surgery begins. This is a great British tradition,…
There’s no escape from council bureaucracy — even in paradise
‘I’m afraid you’ve made a mistake with my council tax,’ I said to the lady at Guildford Borough Council. ‘Right,’…
Tax it, Sorn it or start speaking Welsh
‘You’re probably excited about your new service and keen to start using it as soon as you can,’ said the…
To cone or not to cone?
After spending the day unblocking the gutters and drains in the pouring rain, he wasn’t in the mood for a…
The builder boyfriend is an endangered species
The builder boyfriend has dug himself a hole. I don’t mean he’s in trouble with me. I mean he has…
Was there an invisible chain above the chain I was in?
Well, there were seven of us in this chain, so it was a bit crowded, to paraphrase a princess. We…
The one where I manage to lose £100,000
A gentleman on Twitter ‘writes’ to say I’m boring him with my house move. ‘Snooze-fest’, says this chap, and he…
Could this be the day when they finally lock me up?
With so many last-straw moments to choose from in my house-moving experience, it is a close call to pick the…
Goodbye to Balham
Goodbye then, Bal-ham. You were my gateway to the south. I loved you for so many more reasons than that,…
Why bathroom fittings are getting above themselves
Some people get into the choosing of tap fittings. I am not a person who gets into the choosing of…
I am trapped – they won’t let me leave London!
‘Information,’ came the reply. ‘We want information.’ The voice echoed in my head. Oh no. Oh please God, no. A…
The device that killed grammar
Of all the many indignities I have suffered at the hands of my iPhone, the humiliation that sickens me the…
The curse of the gastro-preneur
‘Mesdames et messieurs, allow me to introduce you to your meals,’ said the waiter. Oh lordy, I thought. Here we…
How not to be a model ex-girlfriend
Someone has given the builder boyfriend an iPhone and things will never be the same. Until now, he has always…
The moral case against building an extension
If it takes any longer to find a buyer for my London flat I am going to start coming to…
Is not riding the new riding?
Shoot me if I ever let slip I’ve been mucking out with rubber gloves and a dustpan and brush. As…
‘Unexpectedly re-available’ is a phrase that speaks to me
Unexpectedly re-available is a very good phrase. I have often seen it applied to house advertisements and thought how fabulously…
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