Low life

Jeremy Clark: Was this a cruise ship — or Colditz?

16 December 2017 9:00 am

We ascended the gangplank and were smartly directed to the ship’s library, where the seated purser swiped my debit card…

How a human body burns

9 December 2017 9:00 am

I took a dab of antiseptic gel and rubbed my hands together. ‘Alone tonight, sir?’ said the charming head waiter.…

The pure joy of a boring car

2 December 2017 9:00 am

My pal Charlie inherited a car and a ride-on mower from an old pal. He kept the mower and the…

Treble doubles, shattered glass and a copper on the doorstep

25 November 2017 9:00 am

The door to Trev’s flat was open so I walked in and found him on the sofa watching TV. He…

Was there pleasure at Passchendaele?

18 November 2017 9:00 am

At ten to eleven we filed outside the church and assembled in the graveyard around a small cenotaph commemorating the…

A lament for the best pub in Devon

11 November 2017 9:00 am

We had a hyperbole competition, the taxi driver and I, over the climbing full moon, clearer and brighter than either…

The perils of the boar-hunting season

4 November 2017 9:00 am

The French countryside around here is teeming with wild boar. They visit the shack at night to eat the pansies…

This Pulitzer Prize-winning, New York Times ‘novel of the year’ is bollocks

28 October 2017 9:00 am

Last May we had dinner with a comic who reads a lot and his wife. At one point, he told…

Was I first in line for the euthanasia chamber?

21 October 2017 9:00 am

On Saturday night, I toddled up to the village hall for the fish-and-chip supper, quiz night and raffle — bring…

Stepping (literally) into my girlfriend’s ex-husband’s shoes

14 October 2017 9:00 am

Early on Friday morning I flew from the north of Iceland to Reykjavik, from Reykjavik to Heathrow, then I hopped…

How to mend a car, Russian-style

7 October 2017 9:00 am

The temperature gauge needle heeled hard over into the red. ‘Not again,’ I said to Oscar, sitting beside me on…

A plague on our village

30 September 2017 9:00 am

As is traditional in this village, the Chapel congregation had walked the 100 yards up the hill to unite with…

Propositioned by the most popular tourist guide in Singapore

23 September 2017 9:00 am

I got off the plane at Changi still pleasantly sedated by Xanax, passed through the ‘nothing to declare’ channel, and…

The political agenda of the bookshop at Bristol airport

16 September 2017 9:00 am

The army patrols at Nice airport go around three abreast, steely-eyed, fingers on the trigger. They walk slowly and scrutinise…

My hair-dye shame

9 September 2017 9:00 am

‘Have you ever thought of having some colour put in, love?’ said Julian as he shaved my neck with a…

I like Donald Trump — but don’t tell anyone

2 September 2017 9:00 am

I arrived for lunch a bit late and was led to the dining table. Our hostess disappeared back into the…

What my 91-year-old aunt could teach Boris Johnson

26 August 2017 9:00 am

My mother has various chronic illnesses and finds it almost impossible to remain both immobile and awake during the day.…

Oscar and I at a ‘car boot sale’ in Provence

19 August 2017 9:00 am

On Sunday morning we went, Oscar and I, to a vide grenier in the ancient, picturesque Provençal village. Vide grenier…

My grandson has come to Provence

12 August 2017 9:00 am

My grandson and I are reprising the 1968 film The Swimmer. Burt Lancaster is an advertising executive at a pool…

The gig of a lifetime in a Provençal village

5 August 2017 9:00 am

Five and the Red One are a German covers band. It’s probably the most uninspiring name for a rock band…

I am the only foreign journalist interested in bull-fighting

29 July 2017 9:00 am

‘We are always waiting for somebody,’ observed a vexed British journalist. Usually it was me they were waiting for, but…

Valencia was like a furnace – especially with the hangover from hell

22 July 2017 9:00 am

Valencia was a furnace. During the short ride from the airport, the taxi driver supplemented his chat about the weather…

I survived a hen party — just

15 July 2017 9:00 am

The hen party was seated at an outside restaurant table under the plane trees when I arrived. They sat with…

'Any sauce?' asked the waitress. 'Get your knickers off,' I said

8 July 2017 9:00 am

Up on the fifth floor the wind was like thunder. Wild gusts shook the window glass so violently I thought…

Edward III and me

1 July 2017 9:00 am

I got up, made a pot of coffee and sat and read the paper. A churchgoing charity worker had stolen…