Low life

Reflections on boozing, whoring and self-mutilation

12 November 2016 9:00 am

I didn’t fancy the hotel breakfast, so I wandered into Arles old town looking for a café. The weather and…

The men who made us fat

5 November 2016 9:00 am

‘Look at them, they’re all fat,’ he said. I’d slowed the car to allow four children to cross the zebra…

A sea shanty for Donald Trump

29 October 2016 9:00 am

There were six of us round the table to celebrate Trafalgar Day. We ate the same dinner served to Her…

A man with dementia is a man in tune with the times

22 October 2016 9:00 am

In 1999 I went to the doctor about the impotence. Don’t worry, he said. I have good news for you.…

From Glasgow to Provence: the making of a mongrel

15 October 2016 9:00 am

Six months ago Sally was living in a third floor flat in Glasgow. Then she was thrown into the back…

I was a sex addict

8 October 2016 9:00 am

The first and only time I went to a meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous, this chap stood up and gave…

Should I take a hooker to Taki’s 80th birthday party?

1 October 2016 9:00 am

I stood in front of the mirror in the £61-a-night hotel room in Paddington, buttoned my polyester dinner jacket and…

Canadian liberal or alien robot? It was difficult to say

24 September 2016 9:00 am

One side of the hostel overlooked Waterloo station’s 22 platforms. Trains departed and arrived at the rate of two or…

On Buddhism — and Keith Vaz

17 September 2016 9:00 am

Last week in Ladakh I went panting from one Buddhist monastery to another. Culturally, racially and historically, Ladakh is Tibetan,…

A bit of Hardy’s Dorset in the Himalayas

10 September 2016 9:00 am

Ladakh, Jammu and Kashmir   This morning I was woken just before daylight by the clear ‘ting’ of a meditation…

I don’t mind nudity but this was a step too far

3 September 2016 9:00 am

A new footpath from the village down to the beach opened earlier this year to a great fanfare. It was…

What we thought of Tibetan Buddhism before we got soppy

27 August 2016 9:00 am

Next week I’m going to Ladakh for a travel gig. Me neither — never heard of it. So I heaved…

I just don’t get the French

20 August 2016 9:00 am

I took the only spare chair on the terrace of the Modern bar, one of four bars on this Provençal…

Single mums, I salute you: my grandsons are a full-time job

13 August 2016 9:00 am

At 11 p.m. I sneaked away from my boy’s wedding party to my ground-floor accommodation in the hotel to write…

The best way to shag a sheep

6 August 2016 9:00 am

After the death by boredom of the slow traffic jam, the agricultural-show field was an assault on the senses. The…

The Rocky Horror Picture Show Provencal-style

30 July 2016 9:00 am

We returned to the house early the next morning, on the way pleading special permission to pass through the police…

A bush fire nearly took our house - and our lives

23 July 2016 9:00 am

I sat down at the metal table on the shaded terrace to write a column. In front, ripening vines receding…

How not to lay siege to a Frenchwoman

16 July 2016 9:00 am

One moment Trev and I were grooving on the dancefloor, Trev with his head bowed, his eyes closed, and his…

Danny fell 30 feet off a house and landed on his head: he voted remain...

9 July 2016 9:00 am

I walked into the bar and there was Trev standing in front of a giant screen showing Germany v. Italy…

Here’s one thing that I know Donald Trump is right about

2 July 2016 9:00 am

On referendum day, my mother leaned on my arm for support and we walked slowly and carefully up the steps…

In a rush to vote ‘out’, I shaved my eyebrows off

25 June 2016 8:00 am

Before dashing out of the door and driving to Nice airport, I gave my eyebrows a quick trim with the…

Cycling with a Provençal saint

18 June 2016 9:00 am

Michel is one of those Frenchmen one encounters now and again whose shining saintliness is beyond rational understanding. This great…

How to make an easy 20 grand by backing Trump

11 June 2016 9:00 am

Showered and shaved and wearing a stiff new Paul Smith candy-stripe shirt, I took an Uber to the party. I…

Zopiclone: drug of choice for monkeys and the French

4 June 2016 9:00 am

Hours before boarding the cross-Channel car ferry, I received a text message from the company warning of severe fuel shortages…

My manhood is hanging in the balance

28 May 2016 9:00 am

We cleared the kitchen table for a game of pick-up sticks. Remember them? Thirty long, thin bamboo sticks, their differing…