Real life

Melissa Kite: Hell is a porcelain kitchen tile

16 December 2017 9:00 am

If only I knew whether I would have a kitchen, I could order a turkey. But despite having an almost…

My horse is a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Reggie Kray

9 December 2017 9:00 am

While the vet was checking Gracie, I asked him to take a look at Tara, the old chestnut hunter. Just…

I’ve seen the new face of veterinary medicine – and I don’t like it

2 December 2017 9:00 am

After a week of cold hosing, I decided I would have to get the vet to the small swelling on…

Dr Google’s verdict? Anthrax poisoning

25 November 2017 9:00 am

Six months into the renovations and I have so much dust in my lungs I have had to give Stefano…

Life is tough at the bottom of the equality heap

18 November 2017 9:00 am

The incident I am about to recount I make no judgment about, other than that I believe it tells us…

Are my horses conspiring against me?

11 November 2017 9:00 am

When it comes to horses, troubles come in multitudes. Multitudes of lame legs. Gracie, the hunter pony, kicked things off…

The poetry of kitchens

4 November 2017 9:00 am

‘The colour of this kitchen is inspired by a blend of heather, bracken and the mountains of the Isle of…

How to get builders to do what you want

28 October 2017 9:00 am

The Albanian builders have started a turf war in my kitchen. The hostilities broke out suddenly. One minute the builders…

Beware the hit-and-run skip lorry

21 October 2017 9:00 am

Although it seemed unlikely, I did not immediately dismiss the possibility of a hit and run skip lorry. The witness…

Build a bonfire, build a bonfire, put Melissa on the top?

14 October 2017 9:00 am

They are building the bonfire already. In the dip where winter flooding sometimes creates a small lake, the wood and…

The painful legacy of the builder boyfriend

7 October 2017 9:00 am

How reassuringly like old times it is, going to a God-forsaken retail park with Stefano. We mooch about the DIY…

What it cost me to stay with British Gas

30 September 2017 9:00 am

Assuming someone had moved house before, and put a new boiler in their new house, while remaining a customer of…

BT and the seventh circle of junk-mail hell

23 September 2017 9:00 am

BT have just put the phone down on me for asking them to stop sending me junk mail, which is…

The stealth campaign to ban horse-riding

16 September 2017 9:00 am

Stefano and his boys got to work with gusto and within a few days the upstairs of my house started…

Why they call me Mad Melissa

9 September 2017 9:00 am

Stefano the Albanian turned up in a brand new Audi off-roader, cutting quite the dash. He looked older, with some…

The Lib Dem march for pettifogging power

2 September 2017 9:00 am

My friendly neighbourhood Lib Dems have put some campaign literature through my door. In a covering note, they intimate that…

My horse has no taste for the high life

26 August 2017 9:00 am

Darcy is high-maintenance, so I decided to leave her in the posh livery yard, with its luxuriant shavings beds and…

My Village is a Liberal Democratic nightmare

19 August 2017 9:00 am

Easier by far to load up my horses and move them to the next village than try to fight the…

The builder boyfriend has gone – again

12 August 2017 9:00 am

Like Steve McQueen gone slightly to seed, the builder boyfriend strode off into the sunset. Nothing becomes him so much…

Is this Surrey or Rorke’s Drift?

5 August 2017 9:00 am

‘This situation is Rorke’s Drift,’ said the builder boyfriend, after our proposed renovations were objected to at the parish council’s…

I nearly have a house in the country, but not quite

29 July 2017 9:00 am

Quite stoically, I was mountaineering on my hands and knees over a sea of rubble to get to the temporary…

My journey to hell with Sky TV

22 July 2017 9:00 am

Two months after I cancelled Sky, a strange letter arrived in the post. ‘We are writing to you because we…

Is this Britain’s bossiest village?

15 July 2017 9:00 am

‘What do you think it means?’ I asked the builder boyfriend as we stood in front of the sign. A…

When the builder boyfriend works late, I have to hunt for food alone, like a lioness

8 July 2017 9:00 am

Last night, I had dinner at the M25 services. I don’t mean I stopped for a break mid-journey. I mean…

Am I the only non-Lib Dem in the village?

1 July 2017 9:00 am

Since moving to my dream home in the country a month ago, I’ve only had to fight a parking dispute,…