Real life

Pet health insurance is a scam

14 September 2019 9:00 am

‘The reason vets are so expensive now,’ explained the vet in her snazzy green uniform, ‘is because we can do…

How it feels to be the only Brexiteers in the village

7 September 2019 9:00 am

We are the only Brexiteers in the village. That, at least, is how it feels. Out they come, the far…

The EU has banned a miracle cure for laminitis

31 August 2019 9:00 am

Once upon a time, in a country that didn’t run itself, a horse supplement company invented a cure for laminitis.…

A mysterious case of fly-tipping immunity

24 August 2019 9:00 am

When is fly-tipping not fly-tipping? I think I can explain, now the pile of rubble has finally moved from the…

Perhaps my mattress is in Texas? Wayfair employees stage a walkout over the company’s supply of beds to a detention centre for migrant children

I’ve always enjoyed myself on Wayfair – but this time I’ve had enough

17 August 2019 9:00 am

One thing Lorraine Kelly does not say in the Wayfair advert is: ‘What if I fancy getting my money back…

Credit: whitemay

The travellers could teach the locals a thing or two about being responsible citizens

10 August 2019 9:00 am

The travellers were blamed for fly-tipping when all that was left on the common after they went back up north…

No village fête for us this year!

The village fête has been cancelled due to an ‘unauthorised incursion’

3 August 2019 9:00 am

The village fête had to be cancelled because of what they called an ‘incursion’ on to the green. The way…

When a Mercedes hits a Volvo, something’s got to give

Nut jobs like me can’t process misfortune in a calm way

27 July 2019 9:00 am

‘Ah well, it can’t be helped,’ said the builder boyfriend. I call people who talk like that civilians. Nut jobs…

Why won’t the police acknowledge that speeding coppers are a liability?

20 July 2019 9:00 am

For a while, it seemed as if the only words my beloved would ever say again were ‘chicken Kievs’. Two…

Not going to the osteopath cured me

13 July 2019 9:00 am

Not going to the osteopath worked a treat. Walking out of that surgery after hearing the crunching coming from inside…

Was this guy a mystical healer or was he addicted to crunching people’s bones? Credit: Fox Photos / Stringer/Getty Images

Is my osteopath a psychopath or a mystical healer?

6 July 2019 9:00 am

Either the osteopath is a psychopath or he is the second coming. I see no other possibility. I turned up…

You can tell a Remainer by their garden fence

29 June 2019 9:00 am

Remainers don’t like borders, I get that. But I had always assumed this was a preference confined to geopolitics. I…

This prospective lodger was clearly barking mad

22 June 2019 9:00 am

‘Take a seat,’ said the prospective lodger as we stood in my dining room. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand,’ I…

My planning permission hell

15 June 2019 9:00 am

When is planning permission for four loft windows actually planning permission for two? Or simultaneously vice versa? It’s a very…

The builder b and I are engaged in a toilet war

8 June 2019 8:00 am

No sooner had the builder boyfriend finished digging for no good reason in the basement than his attention turned to…

The NHS clearly wishes I would just naff off

1 June 2019 9:00 am

The receptionist fixed me with a withering stare. I had just filled out a repeat prescription form and politely inquired…

My little lodger has been stolen from me

25 May 2019 9:00 am

‘Farewell then, little lodger. I wish you would stay for ever but I understand that girls in their early twenties…

Now that Brexit’s been cancelled I’m moving to the Dordogne

18 May 2019 9:00 am

‘When you are in a hole stop digging. Have you never heard that?’ I asked the builder boyfriend, as he…

I’ve reached scandal saturation point

11 May 2019 9:00 am

A letter before action, or something that looked very much like it, arrived on my doormat from an insurance company.…

The NHS’s CBT mailshot is a scandal

4 May 2019 9:00 am

A leaflet came through my door from the NHS inviting me to take part (if that is the right term)…

Have I misrepresented the builder boyfriend?

27 April 2019 9:00 am

‘That’s not the builder boyfriend,’ said the luncheon guest as he eyed the builder boyfriend over the table. ‘Well then,…

The truth is messy. Village gossip is even messier

20 April 2019 9:00 am

An angry villager accosted me outside my house as I came through my front door. ‘You’re wrong about those horses,’…

I will never, ever, vote Conservative again

13 April 2019 9:00 am

With very little expectation they would care, I sent an email to Mole Valley Conservatives. It always amuses me, that…

The builder boyfriend and I have left the EU – and it’s great

6 April 2019 9:00 am

After all that waiting and arguing, I must say I thoroughly enjoyed leaving the EU. The builder boyfriend and I…

You should train your man like you train your Labrador

30 March 2019 9:00 am

‘This clean sock regime is really annoying,’ said the builder boyfriend, as he rummaged through his newly inaugurated top drawer.…