Real life

I’m being spied on in my bedroom by a drone

31 March 2018 9:00 am

The sound of something hideous woke me in the dead of night, and I shot out of bed. I looked…

I’m mad as hell and not going to take it any more!

24 March 2018 9:00 am

‘I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more!’ I screamed through the window of the…

Save me from stupid women

17 March 2018 9:00 am

We live in a cynical world. One cannot simply advertise something for sale and expect people to believe what one…

My unhealthy obsession with Brian May

10 March 2018 9:00 am

‘I bet Brian May isn’t lying on his back in a field shelter wondering how long it’s going to take…

We are only one thank you away from killing one another

3 March 2018 9:00 am

‘Good afternoon, my name is Bradley, and how may I be of help to you today?’ After you’ve spent ten…

I can’t live without Jane Fonda

24 February 2018 9:00 am

Everything since the ZX Spectrum has pretty much left me cold. Ghetto blasters, Sony Walkmans, CDs, Apple Macs, iPods, PlayStations……

I’ve faked my own iPhone death

17 February 2018 9:00 am

After much thought, I am toying with the idea of faking my own death. I mean in a virtual sense,…

My horse is a psychopath — and you’d better believe it

10 February 2018 9:00 am

Why do people find it so hard to believe that a horse can be a psychopath? Not an obvious, screaming…

Hell is a dental hygienist

3 February 2018 9:00 am

‘Please, could you just clean my teeth?’ I want to say, only I don’t. I go along with it, praying…

Are vets the new transgenders?

27 January 2018 9:00 am

The vet who is unhappy that I cracked a joke about vets has received the backing of the British Veterinary…

Melissa Kite: The death of humour

20 January 2018 9:00 am

A vet has accused me of a ‘hate crime’ for making a joke about vets. On the basis that everything…

Melissa Kite: No more Cinderella complex; no more males rescuers needed

13 January 2018 9:00 am

In 2018 I am going to drill, hammer and paint my way to glory

Melissa Kite: Could I live without an MRI scan of my head?

6 January 2018 9:00 am

Reluctantly, I decided I would have to throw away the MRI scan of my head. I’ve hung on to it…

Melissa Kite: Hell is a porcelain kitchen tile

16 December 2017 9:00 am

If only I knew whether I would have a kitchen, I could order a turkey. But despite having an almost…

My horse is a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Reggie Kray

9 December 2017 9:00 am

While the vet was checking Gracie, I asked him to take a look at Tara, the old chestnut hunter. Just…

I’ve seen the new face of veterinary medicine – and I don’t like it

2 December 2017 9:00 am

After a week of cold hosing, I decided I would have to get the vet to the small swelling on…

Dr Google’s verdict? Anthrax poisoning

25 November 2017 9:00 am

Six months into the renovations and I have so much dust in my lungs I have had to give Stefano…

Life is tough at the bottom of the equality heap

18 November 2017 9:00 am

The incident I am about to recount I make no judgment about, other than that I believe it tells us…

Are my horses conspiring against me?

11 November 2017 9:00 am

When it comes to horses, troubles come in multitudes. Multitudes of lame legs. Gracie, the hunter pony, kicked things off…

The poetry of kitchens

4 November 2017 9:00 am

‘The colour of this kitchen is inspired by a blend of heather, bracken and the mountains of the Isle of…

How to get builders to do what you want

28 October 2017 9:00 am

The Albanian builders have started a turf war in my kitchen. The hostilities broke out suddenly. One minute the builders…

Beware the hit-and-run skip lorry

21 October 2017 9:00 am

Although it seemed unlikely, I did not immediately dismiss the possibility of a hit and run skip lorry. The witness…

Build a bonfire, build a bonfire, put Melissa on the top?

14 October 2017 9:00 am

They are building the bonfire already. In the dip where winter flooding sometimes creates a small lake, the wood and…

The painful legacy of the builder boyfriend

7 October 2017 9:00 am

How reassuringly like old times it is, going to a God-forsaken retail park with Stefano. We mooch about the DIY…

What it cost me to stay with British Gas

30 September 2017 9:00 am

Assuming someone had moved house before, and put a new boiler in their new house, while remaining a customer of…