Real life

The stealth campaign to ban horse-riding

16 September 2017 9:00 am

Stefano and his boys got to work with gusto and within a few days the upstairs of my house started…

Why they call me Mad Melissa

9 September 2017 9:00 am

Stefano the Albanian turned up in a brand new Audi off-roader, cutting quite the dash. He looked older, with some…

The Lib Dem march for pettifogging power

2 September 2017 9:00 am

My friendly neighbourhood Lib Dems have put some campaign literature through my door. In a covering note, they intimate that…

My horse has no taste for the high life

26 August 2017 9:00 am

Darcy is high-maintenance, so I decided to leave her in the posh livery yard, with its luxuriant shavings beds and…

My Village is a Liberal Democratic nightmare

19 August 2017 9:00 am

Easier by far to load up my horses and move them to the next village than try to fight the…

The builder boyfriend has gone – again

12 August 2017 9:00 am

Like Steve McQueen gone slightly to seed, the builder boyfriend strode off into the sunset. Nothing becomes him so much…

Is this Surrey or Rorke’s Drift?

5 August 2017 9:00 am

‘This situation is Rorke’s Drift,’ said the builder boyfriend, after our proposed renovations were objected to at the parish council’s…

I nearly have a house in the country, but not quite

29 July 2017 9:00 am

Quite stoically, I was mountaineering on my hands and knees over a sea of rubble to get to the temporary…

My journey to hell with Sky TV

22 July 2017 9:00 am

Two months after I cancelled Sky, a strange letter arrived in the post. ‘We are writing to you because we…

Is this Britain’s bossiest village?

15 July 2017 9:00 am

‘What do you think it means?’ I asked the builder boyfriend as we stood in front of the sign. A…

When the builder boyfriend works late, I have to hunt for food alone, like a lioness

8 July 2017 9:00 am

Last night, I had dinner at the M25 services. I don’t mean I stopped for a break mid-journey. I mean…

Am I the only non-Lib Dem in the village?

1 July 2017 9:00 am

Since moving to my dream home in the country a month ago, I’ve only had to fight a parking dispute,…

I’m being terrorised by a Surrey family of optometrists

24 June 2017 9:00 am

All had gone suspiciously quiet down our little track on the village green, and we had begun to think we…

There’s no escape from mindfulness

17 June 2017 9:00 am

And so, as it must, the pilgrimage to find a local GP surgery begins. This is a great British tradition,…

There’s no escape from council bureaucracy — even in paradise

10 June 2017 9:00 am

‘I’m afraid you’ve made a mistake with my council tax,’ I said to the lady at Guildford Borough Council. ‘Right,’…

Tax it, Sorn it or start speaking Welsh

3 June 2017 9:00 am

‘You’re probably excited about your new service and keen to start using it as soon as you can,’ said the…

To cone or not to cone?

27 May 2017 9:00 am

After spending the day unblocking the gutters and drains in the pouring rain, he wasn’t in the mood for a…

The builder boyfriend is an endangered species

20 May 2017 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend has dug himself a hole. I don’t mean he’s in trouble with me. I mean he has…

Was there an invisible chain above the chain I was in?

13 May 2017 9:00 am

Well, there were seven of us in this chain, so it was a bit crowded, to paraphrase a princess. We…

The one where I manage to lose £100,000

6 May 2017 9:00 am

A gentleman on Twitter ‘writes’ to say I’m boring him with my house move. ‘Snooze-fest’, says this chap, and he…

Could this be the day when they finally lock me up?

29 April 2017 9:00 am

With so many last-straw moments to choose from in my house-moving experience, it is a close call to pick the…

Goodbye to Balham

22 April 2017 9:00 am

Goodbye then, Bal-ham. You were my gateway to the south. I loved you for so many more reasons than that,…

Why bathroom fittings are getting above themselves

15 April 2017 9:00 am

Some people get into the choosing of tap fittings. I am not a person who gets into the choosing of…

I am trapped – they won’t let me leave London!

8 April 2017 9:00 am

‘Information,’ came the reply. ‘We want information.’ The voice echoed in my head. Oh no. Oh please God, no. A…

The device that killed grammar

1 April 2017 9:00 am

Of all the many indignities I have suffered at the hands of my iPhone, the humiliation that sickens me the…