Real life

The builder boyfriend is an endangered species

20 May 2017 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend has dug himself a hole. I don’t mean he’s in trouble with me. I mean he has…

Was there an invisible chain above the chain I was in?

13 May 2017 9:00 am

Well, there were seven of us in this chain, so it was a bit crowded, to paraphrase a princess. We…

The one where I manage to lose £100,000

6 May 2017 9:00 am

A gentleman on Twitter ‘writes’ to say I’m boring him with my house move. ‘Snooze-fest’, says this chap, and he…

Could this be the day when they finally lock me up?

29 April 2017 9:00 am

With so many last-straw moments to choose from in my house-moving experience, it is a close call to pick the…

Goodbye to Balham

22 April 2017 9:00 am

Goodbye then, Bal-ham. You were my gateway to the south. I loved you for so many more reasons than that,…

Why bathroom fittings are getting above themselves

15 April 2017 9:00 am

Some people get into the choosing of tap fittings. I am not a person who gets into the choosing of…

I am trapped – they won’t let me leave London!

8 April 2017 9:00 am

‘Information,’ came the reply. ‘We want information.’ The voice echoed in my head. Oh no. Oh please God, no. A…

The device that killed grammar

1 April 2017 9:00 am

Of all the many indignities I have suffered at the hands of my iPhone, the humiliation that sickens me the…

The curse of the gastro-preneur

25 March 2017 9:00 am

‘Mesdames et messieurs, allow me to introduce you to your meals,’ said the waiter. Oh lordy, I thought. Here we…

How not to be a model ex-girlfriend

18 March 2017 9:00 am

Someone has given the builder boyfriend an iPhone and things will never be the same. Until now, he has always…

The moral case against building an extension

11 March 2017 9:00 am

If it takes any longer to find a buyer for my London flat I am going to start coming to…

Is not riding the new riding?

4 March 2017 9:00 am

Shoot me if I ever let slip I’ve been mucking out with rubber gloves and a dustpan and brush. As…

‘Unexpectedly re-available’ is a phrase that speaks to me

25 February 2017 9:00 am

Unexpectedly re-available is a very good phrase. I have often seen it applied to house advertisements and thought how fabulously…

My kitchen kink is causing merry hell

18 February 2017 9:00 am

Fine, so I got it completely wrong. It turns out the sale of my flat was not held up by…

Was it going to cost me £130 or £260 to pee on a red route?

11 February 2017 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend declared himself very happy with his £65 pee. He insisted it was good value for money because…

Is this the most expensive pee ever?

4 February 2017 9:00 am

As if by magic, a sign that I am doing the right thing by moving out of London arrived in…

The buyer of my flat has an unhealthy obsession with my wiggle

28 January 2017 9:00 am

The problem holding up my house move turns out to be a wiggle. Have you ever had a wiggle? It…

If Donald Trump doesn’t cause market meltdown the sale of my London flat will

21 January 2017 9:00 am

If the buyer asks me any more questions I am going to pull out. I have to put my foot…

The dietary obnoxiousness of the Catholic Church

14 January 2017 9:00 am

A few moments after saying the communion rite, the priest looked at his congregation and uttered easily the most disturbing…

Never speak to the inland revenue at New Year

7 January 2017 9:00 am

The most annoying thing about starting a new year is how long it takes for everyone to crank themselves back…

It’s been a fraught, divisive year but there’s a glimmer of hope in Raynes Park

31 December 2016 9:00 am

What a fraught, divisive, infuriating sort of year it’s been. It started with me attempting to go on a blind…

Will I be the only right-winger in the village?

10 December 2016 9:00 am

‘Right, this is it,’ I said to the builder boyfriend. ‘I am going to knock on the door of next…

The middle-class future is thousands of pounds worth of fines

3 December 2016 9:00 am

‘How was your week?’ I asked my friend as we rode our horses to Bookham Common. ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘Except…

The hidden benefits of being with EE (E)

26 November 2016 9:00 am

A few weeks after switching my iPhone to the EE network, I noticed a funny thing. It hadn’t rung. I…

My solvent Israeli friend had the best of the NHS without paying a penny

19 November 2016 9:00 am

The Israeli chef and I have become firm friends since he moved out of my flat. He has his own…