Real life

The curse of the gastro-preneur

25 March 2017 9:00 am

‘Mesdames et messieurs, allow me to introduce you to your meals,’ said the waiter. Oh lordy, I thought. Here we…

How not to be a model ex-girlfriend

18 March 2017 9:00 am

Someone has given the builder boyfriend an iPhone and things will never be the same. Until now, he has always…

The moral case against building an extension

11 March 2017 9:00 am

If it takes any longer to find a buyer for my London flat I am going to start coming to…

Is not riding the new riding?

4 March 2017 9:00 am

Shoot me if I ever let slip I’ve been mucking out with rubber gloves and a dustpan and brush. As…

‘Unexpectedly re-available’ is a phrase that speaks to me

25 February 2017 9:00 am

Unexpectedly re-available is a very good phrase. I have often seen it applied to house advertisements and thought how fabulously…

My kitchen kink is causing merry hell

18 February 2017 9:00 am

Fine, so I got it completely wrong. It turns out the sale of my flat was not held up by…

Was it going to cost me £130 or £260 to pee on a red route?

11 February 2017 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend declared himself very happy with his £65 pee. He insisted it was good value for money because…

Is this the most expensive pee ever?

4 February 2017 9:00 am

As if by magic, a sign that I am doing the right thing by moving out of London arrived in…

The buyer of my flat has an unhealthy obsession with my wiggle

28 January 2017 9:00 am

The problem holding up my house move turns out to be a wiggle. Have you ever had a wiggle? It…

If Donald Trump doesn’t cause market meltdown the sale of my London flat will

21 January 2017 9:00 am

If the buyer asks me any more questions I am going to pull out. I have to put my foot…

The dietary obnoxiousness of the Catholic Church

14 January 2017 9:00 am

A few moments after saying the communion rite, the priest looked at his congregation and uttered easily the most disturbing…

Never speak to the inland revenue at New Year

7 January 2017 9:00 am

The most annoying thing about starting a new year is how long it takes for everyone to crank themselves back…

It’s been a fraught, divisive year but there’s a glimmer of hope in Raynes Park

31 December 2016 9:00 am

What a fraught, divisive, infuriating sort of year it’s been. It started with me attempting to go on a blind…

Will I be the only right-winger in the village?

10 December 2016 9:00 am

‘Right, this is it,’ I said to the builder boyfriend. ‘I am going to knock on the door of next…

The middle-class future is thousands of pounds worth of fines

3 December 2016 9:00 am

‘How was your week?’ I asked my friend as we rode our horses to Bookham Common. ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘Except…

The hidden benefits of being with EE (E)

26 November 2016 9:00 am

A few weeks after switching my iPhone to the EE network, I noticed a funny thing. It hadn’t rung. I…

My solvent Israeli friend had the best of the NHS without paying a penny

19 November 2016 9:00 am

The Israeli chef and I have become firm friends since he moved out of my flat. He has his own…

Airbnb has gone Marxist

12 November 2016 9:00 am

A wonderful email has arrived from Airbnb entitled ‘Discrimination and Belonging — What It Means For You’. Having tried to…

Are they going to sacrifice a Brexiteer on Ripley Bonfire?

5 November 2016 9:00 am

For three months after I move to the country, I am told, I am going to be in the most…

London has overtaken me: I want fewer varieties of variety

29 October 2016 9:00 am

Coffee shops are becoming impossible. I had been standing in the queue at Caffè Nero on Battersea Rise for nearly…

I’m far too right-wing for quinoa

22 October 2016 9:00 am

After the Fawlty Towers incident, I decided it was best to research the origin and extraction of all future B&B…

Can't I just get through dinner without some Remainer interrupting?

15 October 2016 9:00 am

Against all odds, I almost got through an entire Brexit dinner with dignity, and without opening the valve in my…

Attacked by Liz Jones and Rod Liddle in the space of a week? I must be doing something right

8 October 2016 9:00 am

After a year dealing with estate agents I can only say: a plague on all their houses, except the one…

NHS GPs never, ever have the answers I am seeking

1 October 2016 9:00 am

‘If you ask me,’ said the builder boyfriend, watching me hobble down the street as we set off for an…

What to do if your fortysomething feet won’t flex in the morning

24 September 2016 9:00 am

Out of the blue, I woke up one morning and my feet didn’t work. I opened my eyes, swung my…