Real life

What to do if your fortysomething feet won’t flex in the morning

24 September 2016 9:00 am

Out of the blue, I woke up one morning and my feet didn’t work. I opened my eyes, swung my…

A Jerry Maguire moment in Little Waitrose

17 September 2016 9:00 am

‘This is the last straw. Never again,’ I thought, as I sat in the carpark of a Little Waitrose eating…

My estate agent is using sex to sell my flat

10 September 2016 9:00 am

What is happening to estate agents? Or let me put it another way. If the professional classes thought they were…

Will I ever find a decent place in the country?

3 September 2016 9:00 am

‘Oh no, I can’t bear it,’ said the builder boyfriend when I told him I wanted to look at one…

I wanted somewhere to put a piano. I got a Big Yellow night of the soul

27 August 2016 9:00 am

‘How did I get here?’ I think dazedly. I am sitting in the Big Yellow Self Storage in Balham being…

No one in the NHS can even see me, let alone treat me!

20 August 2016 9:00 am

Whenever I try to use the NHS I end up feeling like Bruce Willis’s character in The Sixth Sense. No…

How to save on vet's bills with gaffer tape

13 August 2016 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend colicked for a week after eating a falafel kebab as he and I sat up all night…

My horse is a grassoholic

6 August 2016 9:00 am

One look at Grace when I went to get her in from the field, and I knew she had eaten…

It was a fight to the death at Eurotunnel Burger King

30 July 2016 9:00 am

The colourful banners at the Eurotunnel terminal at Calais spell out the words Treat Shop Relax Refresh Eat. But it…

Why Cydney the spaniel loves France

23 July 2016 9:00 am

Market day in Bergerac and the streets are paved with chicken bones. As a spaniel, I am bound to say…

A love letter to France from a Leaver

16 July 2016 9:00 am

Bonjour mes amis! Cydney spaniel ici, en France! Well, the Eurotunnel was very nice, although the dog departure lounge could…

I can’t afford to lose another friend to this referendum

9 July 2016 9:00 am

‘Of course, there will be no air quality now,’ said a friend, shaking her head over my support for Brexit.…

Why I took down my Vote Leave poster

2 July 2016 9:00 am

We fled Balham after the result, having been outed as the only Leave voters in Lambeth. The builder boyfriend and…

I refuse to give in to the forces of chav-enism

25 June 2016 8:00 am

The cottage in Surrey has fallen through, for the time being at least. Maybe I am going to be a…

If Britain votes Remain, I’m moving to France

18 June 2016 9:00 am

‘This EU passport is an outrage. I want a British one!’ Not my words, Cydney’s. The spaniel is coming round…

Independent cafés: the scourge of all England

11 June 2016 9:00 am

Would you like a Labour party manifesto with your breakfast?’ the tattooed, multi-pierced waitress might as well have asked as…

The grass may have been tasty but it landed me in A&E

4 June 2016 9:00 am

Turns out you can’t eat grass. A horse does something clever to it in its mouth that humans can’t. Fine,…

What on earth was the girl from Taiwan doing in my bedroom?

28 May 2016 9:00 am

After a tense two week stand-off, the Balham Airbnb Crisis has been resolved. My upstairs neighbour and I have drawn…

I am handmaiden to a foul-mouthed member of the royal family

21 May 2016 9:00 am

Some people call their house Dun Roamin’ to sum up their state of mind. After ten weeks ministering to my…

Why menopausal women need guide dogs

14 May 2016 9:00 am

Hello, Cydney spaniel here. She’s lying in a darkened room so I’m to tell you what happened. To cut a…

Welcome to the only house left in south-east England that hasn’t been chavved up

7 May 2016 9:00 am

Buffy Sainte-Marie said it best. ‘The lights of town are at my back, my heart is full of stars./ And…

The gloves are off with the Brothers Turnthetapoff upstairs

30 April 2016 9:00 am

The gloves are off in my battle with the two brothers who live in the flat upstairs. They have just…

The cottage of my dreams was proving a nightmare to buy

23 April 2016 9:00 am

The cottage of my dreams (or possibly worst nightmares) proved rather difficult to purchase, not least because the agent selling…

I am the Basil Fawlty of Airbnb

16 April 2016 9:00 am

I am becoming the Basil Fawlty of Airbnb. Almost everything that tormented Basil has tormented me since I started taking…

Penury dictates that I find more lucrative work — but I can’t afford to

9 April 2016 9:00 am

My adventures in penury land me with two job applications on my screen, one for MI6, one for Sainsbury’s. Do…