The Battle for Britain | 13 January 2024
Society
Thursday
Can England beat India at home in a Test series?
It is surely the ultimate challenge in international cricket: winning a Test series in India. It’s the pinnacle for a Test team, much harder than in Australia. India have lost only one home series in 19 years, in 2012, when Graeme Swann and Monty Panesar spun Alastair Cook’s England to an epic victory. The latest instalment of this marquee series is almost upon us, and will be a chance to see whether Ben Stokes, Brendon McCullum and their Bazballers can deliver when the odds look stacked against them. Or is it going to be one of the last rituals before Test cricket becomes a quirky occasional outing for a handful
Dear Mary: how can my café compete with God?
Q. I invited a rather wonderful, single (and fairly shy) man to supper. I had hoped to pair him with a single friend of mine and during the evening they got on extremely well. The problem is that, although I have received a thank-you postcard, he made no mention of my friend. We are both keen for feedback – what should we do? – Name and address withheld A. Shy men need confirmation that an overture would not be repulsed before they dare to make a move. Telephone him to say you have found a coat in your house and wonder if he left it behind. Use this call to
‘The lasagne is perfect’: Hotel La Calcina, Venice, reviewed
Pensione La Calcina is one of John Ruskin’s houses in Venice. He stayed here in 1877, after completing The Stones of Venice and going mad, and there is a plaque for him on the wall: a stone of his own. It is next to the Swiss consulate on the Zattere, but never mind them. I think the Zattere is for people who have tired of Venice. It has a view to the Giudeccacanal, and the waterbus to the airport: to the exit. You can breathe here. I am staying in San Marco, where I can’t. My son falls from a water gate into a canal, and Italian grandmothers tut at
Horsing around
In 2021, Magnus Carlsen and Hikaru Nakamura caused a stir with their ‘Double Bongcloud’ opening, in an online game which began 1 e4 e5 2 Ke2 Ke7, soon agreed drawn. Their act of flippancy, clearly spontaneous, drew a mixed response of laughter and tutting, but that game was unofficial and had no competitive significance. Similarly, at the World Blitz Championship, held in Samarkand in December, a game between Daniel Dubov and Ian Nepomniachtchi saw the players agree to a draw after White’s 13th move. So far, so unremarkable, and many games at the tournament were concluded even faster. (Some events forbid early draws by agreement, but not in Samarkand). The joke was that not a
No. 783
White to play and mate in two moves. Composed by Ivar Godal, Ideal-Mate Review, 1983 Email answers to chess@spectator.co.uk by Monday 15 January. There is a prize of £20 for the first correct answer out of a hat. Please include a postal address and allow six weeks for prize delivery. Last week’s solution 1 Bxe5! fxe5 (or 1…Rxh7 2 Rxf6!) 2 Rxe6! Rxf3 3 Rxe8+ wins Last week’s winner Boris Alperowicz, South Nutfield, Surrey
How do events become unrecognisable?
Sir Ed Davey, who leads the Lib Dems, declared last week: ‘Squatter Sunak is holed up in Downing Street, desperately clinging on to power.’ It was odd of him to remind voters of the origin of this little joke about squatting. On 8 May 2010, two days after Labour’s defeat in the general election, the Sun ran a big headline: ‘Squatter holed up in No. 10.’ A subheading read: ‘Man, 59, refuses to leave Downing Street.’ That was Gordon Brown, of course, but anyone who remembers those uncertain days will know that he was waiting to see whether the Tories and the Lib Dems would form a coalition or whether he
Spectator competition winners: how to write a resentful note of departure
In Competition No. 3331 you were invited to write a resentful note of departure on behalf of a well-known figure from the field of fact or fiction. This challenge, set some time ago owing to seasonal production deadlines, was prompted by Suella Braverman’s splenetic broadside, but I decided to widen the brief beyond the political sphere. You duly cast your net far and wide, choosing subjects who ranged from Trollope’s unctuous, scheming curate Obadiah Slope to Nellie the Elephant. Alan Millard’s Revd William Spoonerearns a commendation: ‘Where is the hind kelp when needed by poor souls like me? Sadly it has been limply sacking from those who should cow more
Portrait of the week: Post Office scandal, Tube strikes off and dog meat banned
Home Although it had long been known that between 1999 and 2015 more than 700 sub-postmasters were convicted of false accounting, theft and fraud (based on the faulty Horizon computer accounting system software), the government suddenly proposed to do something about it because of a public outcry following an ITV drama, Mr Bates vs the Post Office. The Metropolitan Police was investigating the Post Office over fraud possibly arising from money being ‘recovered from sub-postmasters as a result of prosecutions or civil actions’. Paula Vennells, who held high office in the Post Office from 2007 to 2019, said she was handing back her CBE ‘with immediate effect’, although it is
My kidnapping scare
Newly returned from the best ever New Year in Scotland, I walk down Portobello Road and waft through nostalgia. All those felted hats in primary colours and Mongolian knits with floral patterns. The smell of frying falafel, dodgy hash and second-rate coffee. It takes me back to Hull fair, seven decades earlier, with my gloves dangling from elastic on the sleeves of my nap coat and a scarlet face full of vinegary, newspapered chips. I realise it is the first time in a while that I have moved slowly in a crowd without carrying a banner saying ‘Bring them home’ and shouting: ‘Shame on Hamas.’ I read that Rachel Riley
2636: Happy ever after
Twelve unclued lights may be grouped into three quartets and their unchecked letters spell out ask engineering-academy.gov.uk; each quartet comprises two natural pairs. All unclued entries are normal words, one is in Merriam–Webster and one is thematically linked to its quartet via a Broadway musical. Across 1 Maybe PC speed unit cut after unexpectedly taking van (8) 6 About to display ancient nut (6) 12 Local scolding somehow raises your back (8) 13 Developer of global movement almost left (5) 14 Dogged has-been hooligan welcomes trouble (6) 15 Chain two blokes side by side (6) 20 Returning from Dubai, unnerving bore (5) 21 American people embracing setter’s vigour (9) 24
2634: Word chain – solution
The word chain, starting (say) at 1 Down is: USEFUL, FULMAR, MARMOT, MOTHER, HERMIT, MITTEN, TENREC, RECUSE and then back to USEFUL First prize J.J. Morris, Upper Nash, Pembrokeshire Runners-up Jean Whitney, Perry Barr, Birmingham; Stuart Hall, Mickleton, Gloucestershire
Meet the women vying to be Trump’s running mate
‘Ibelieve President Trump will have a female vice-president,’ said Donald Trump’s former strategist Steve Bannon in a recent interview. He was echoing the thoughts of many of those close to the probable 2024 Republican nominee. Mr Trump himself has said that he likes ‘the concept’ of choosing a female VP. Happily for him, there is no shortage of Republican women auditioning for the role of best supporting actress. The second season of The Golden Bachelor is coming sooner than anticipated. Kari Lake, the former TV newscaster turned politician, won the Conservative Political Action Committee’s (CPAC) straw poll for the VP slot last spring. Lake demurred at the time, as she
The Online Safety Act is already stifling free speech
Joey Barton, the footballer turned manager, may be a controversial figure, but is it really the business of the sports minister, Stuart Andrew, to threaten to silence him on Twitter and Facebook? Andrew this week described Barton’s derisive remarks about female football commentators as ‘dangerous comments that open the floodgates for abuse’. He called upon Ofcom to take action under the new Online Safety Act. The notion of free speech – including the freedom to be offensive – seems increasingly alien to ministerial minds. The Online Safety Act only came into law in October, and politicians already think it’s up to them to regulate who says what online. For 300
The joys of the wireless
Obviously, one’s first instinct is to agree that parliament should step in and decree that all the hundreds of sub-postmasters convicted in the Post Office scandal should be exonerated without their appeals needing to be heard. But I suspect that instinct is wrong, for at least two reasons. The first is the precedent. These are individual criminal cases (though with strong common characteristics). If parliament feels it can interfere with such cases, it is usurping the process of law. Once MPs feel they can decide questions of individual guilt, where’s the end to it? Politicians cannot judge evidence to a legal standard. Justice will become politicised. The political proclamation of
Wednesday
The disgusting attempt to silence Joey Barton
I have a question. What’s more ‘dangerous’ and ‘disgusting’ – a footballer sounding off on social media or a government minister threatening to clamp down on speech that he personally considers to be ‘not acceptable’? For a government functionary to decree that some opinions are unacceptable, and therefore might have to be hushed, is the stuff of tyranny It’s the latter, isn’t it? People saying zany things online is par for the course in a free society. But for a government functionary to decree that some opinions are unacceptable, and therefore might have to be hushed, is the stuff of tyranny. This is the case of Joey Barton, the ex-footballer
Has Putin really revived Stalin’s infamous spy-catching unit?
Is Moscow reviving a notorious 1940s security agency? Or is the suggestion that the infamous SMERSH counterintelligence unit has been revived in Russia simply a way to troll the West? Worse yet, could it be that the country is facing the threat of a neo-Stalinist revival? A recent video circulated on Russian social media shows a young man from the Belgorod region making a public apology for having filmed and posted footage of Russian air defences online. In front of him, with only their backs shown, are two uniformed men. On their vests are patches with the infamous name ‘SMERSH’, a contraction of ‘Smert’ Shpionam‘ or ‘Death to Spies’ on
It’s time the King distanced himself from Prince Andrew
During the eighteen months or so that Charles has reigned, there is a great deal to commend him for. Two confidently delivered King’s speeches at Christmas; a genuine interest at dealing with his subjects that far exceeds the often rote ‘Have you come far?’ formalism of his mother. There has even been a compassionate hand extended to his troublesome younger son – although this seems an uncertain and unhappy state of affairs, given Prince Harry’s volatility and near-obsession with court cases. Yet there is one area in which King Charles might be commended on a personal level but deserves criticism in his role as monarch: his continued loyalty to his
Tuesday
Joey Barton doesn’t know anything about women in sport
Joey Barton – the Pied Piper of disaffected football fans – has had a busy week. He began by comparing female football commentators to Fred and Rose West, the serial killers who murdered 12 young women. He then went on to imply that female commentators had slept their way to the top. It would be unwise to take Barton too seriously. It’s long been the chosen road of the deeply insecure man to attack confident women. I’ve worked in sport all my life. And throughout it I’ve faced opposition from the small-minded, although never from the stars themselves or the people who matter. It’s always the man in the county
Why no one in Japan is talking about the Fujitsu Post Office scandal
‘They are a national disgrace.’ That was the response of a Japanese friend when I asked for her opinion on Fujitsu, the Japanese company at the heart of the recent UK Post Office IT scandal. But her answer was not in any way coloured by the company’s involvement in the affair (they supplied the dodgy software), of which she knew absolutely nothing. But then why should she? There has not been a single news item in the Japanese media. And ITVx is not yet available in Asia. The Japan Times, for example, found space yesterday for a piece on the ‘world’s oldest pyramid’ in Indonesia (which may in fact not