Alright folks, this is the big one. It’s EU Referendum Night, and bluffers everywhere have been training hard. We’ve all been talking utter rot about Europe for months now. To distinguish yourself tonight, you need to bring your A-game, especially since there will be nothing much to say until at least 2 am. Here are ten starter phrases that should help you through any Brexit-related discussion. But I’m sure you can all think of many more. Just remember that nobody really knows what they are banging on about — least of all our politicians — so be imaginative, be bold, and blag for Britain (or Europe, depending on which way the wind is blowing).
1) Yes, but would Leave actually mean Leave? As all good bluffers know, questions keep you on the front foot. Get this one in early. As soon as you hear the word ‘Leave’, pull the trigger. Don’t be nervous of the obvious next phase in the conversation — a discussion of the possible mechanics of Brexit. You asked the question, so let others answer it. Just chip in with ‘it is complicated’ and ‘that’s what I worry about’ every now and then. Raise the eyebrows, tilt the chin, and look sceptical.
2) We could be the Singapore of Europe. Is this a bad thing? Is it a good thing? Nobody knows! So ambivalence is important here. Don’t sound naively enthusiastic, whatever you do.
3) In all referenda, the status quo has a built in advantage. This is a rather subtle way of stating the obvious. But it implies a certain knowledge of earlier EU elections, and everybody wants that. You can also refer obliquely to what happened in ‘Sweden in 94’ or ‘Norway in 72’.
4) Nobody thinks that the Norwegian model is ideal. This says you aren’t one of these right-wing idealists who think that all will be well outside the EU, but you are intellectually mature enough to be open-minded.
5) A better word for sovereignty might be democratic accountability. It isn’t a better word. (It’s two words, for starters). You know that. They know that. But this is a sentence that shows you appreciate the contours of the debate.
6) I’m surprised we haven’t seen more volatility in the markets, frankly. Remember, bluffers, ‘the markets’ are your best friend. Let others talk of economic turbulence, inflation and the price of sterling post-Brexit. Nod, as if you can see both sides, and then drop this superiority bomb. As an alternative try, ‘I’m pretty sure the markets have already factored that in.’
7) Look at Leave’s lead in Sunderland. A little geographic specificity goes a long way. This one suggests that you are not a blind metropolitan, and you’ve studied the broader landscape. Feel free to throw in other places in other ways. Try ‘But do people feel the same way in the Rhondda Valley?’ (Anywhere in Wales is a safe bet), or ‘Try making that point on the Essex coast.’ Look excited; you want others to see what you are pretending you can see. Talk about the ‘decline of the skilled working class’ and ‘those left behind by globalisation’ (an absolute banker that, in any political conversation).
8) Euroscepticism is often a proxy for English nationalism. Ah, how wise you are. You lived and blagged through the Scottish referendum, so talk about ‘unleashing the forces of separatism’ again. You can see the historical currents at work. Or so people will think. And be sure to praise Ruth Davidson, because everybody who’s anybody has been doing that all week.
9) That depends on whether you believe the nation state has a future. When in doubt, go deep but vague. Discuss in the context of ‘identity’, flags, and the UEFA European Football Championships.
10) We are seeing the same forces at work in the Donald Trump phenomenon. Look worried, and add the word ‘populism’. You have been following the really big story of the year — haven’t you? — and now you are well-poised to bluff your way until November 8. Remember the date. November 8. It’s when the Americans vote for their president and you can talk about all those Trump voters left behind by globalisation…
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