Italy 1 (Peroni, or Ciao, or something) Wales 0
Switzerland 3 (Albanian Gnome 2, Bosnian Gnome) Turkey 1 (Who cares?)
Gallant Wales got themselves outplayed by Italy’s reserves but still go through to the next round, courtesy of not being thumped as badly as the Swiss were when they played Italy’s first team. Switzerland will probably go through too – so everybody’s happy, apart from the Turks. And that’s the kind of world I’d like to live in. One in which the Turks are embittered and taught a lesson and everyone else has a smile on their face.
The Welsh knew it was about keeping the 'goals against' column down, so left out their excellent striker, Kiefer Sutherland, or something. They defended with the commitment and fury of a Plaid Cymru MP who has just been told that Max Boyce is crap and their national language is stupid.