Birth pains

As a general rule, what to expect when you are expecting is a baby, which is always kind of miraculous, but the way everyone carries on in this film you’d think nobody had ever had one before. This is odd, particularly as the latest research has proven that having babies predates the iPod, internet and digital photography, and may even predate the Breville sandwich toaster, although this is not yet known for certain. Still, this all-star ensemble mash-up treats pregnancy as if it were the very latest news, and although it’s meant to be a comedy, did I laugh? I might never have stopped but for one small thing, which I feel obliged to mention: I never started. I sat there stony-faced like a stone, with a face.

This is ‘loosely based’ on the best-selling pregnancy manual of the same name by Heidi Murkoff, although why anyone would want to overlay a narrative on a manual and turn it into a film is anyone’s guess, although I am kind of hoping The Highway Code, starring Daniel Day-Lewis, might be on its way soon. (I think if anyone can get into the character of a man slowing down on approaching a zebra crossing, it is him.)

Anyway, this strings together the stories of five couples in various states of impending parenthood, none of whom is in the least interesting, so why did it attract such a high-power cast? Probably because the agent called and said, ‘How about earning some good money for old rope, duck? You’ll scarcely even have to act. In fact, why bother? You can just pootle around glibly.’ So, it stars Cameron Diaz as Jules, a fitness guru whose romance with Evan (Matthew Morrison), her partner on a Strictly Come Dancing-type show, lands her in the family way, but with their busy schedules will they ever be in the same place at the same time? Then there is Wendy (Elizabeth Banks), a militant mommy-in-waiting, who gives breast-is-best talks and runs a shop selling all things baby, and who expects to glow beatifically throughout her three trimesters, but will she? Her husband is Gary (Ben Falcone), who, for reasons best known to the film-makers, as it adds nothing and is about as funny as a poke in the eye with a scalding toasting fork, is always in competition with his moneybags father (Dennis Quaid), whose trophy wife (Brooklyn Decker) is expecting twins.