Padding out

One of the useful things about having teen and near-teenage kids is discovering what the vulgar masses watch. Last week, for example, during half-term, I got to see two hugely popular programmes which I would probably never have bothered watching on my own: Undercover Boss USA (Channel 4, Wednesday) and The X Factor (ITV, Saturday, Sunday).

Yes, I suppose it is a terrible indictment of my lackadaisical attitude that it has taken me till now to watch a full episode of the most talked about programme on TV. Thing is, though, I’ve been right all along. The X Factor just isn’t as good as University Challenge. Or The Simpsons. Or South Park. Or even, frankly, Downton Abbey. And if you already watch all of those, plus maybe the odd documentary, how are you possibly going to squeeze in the extra 15 hours a week you need to watch The X Factor?

No, it doesn’t really last 15 hours. But as with so much modern TV the kernel of interestingness which could have made for something possibly quite punchy and watchable is surrounded by several eons worth of padding. Probably, as budgets shrink, this tendency will become more pronounced. Soon, out of every hour-long documentary, fully three quarters will consist of the voiceover after the ad break bringing imaginary viewers who’ve just arrived up to date with what happened in the previous segment. Still, good news for Alzheimer’s sufferers, eh?

But the kids find The X Factor utterly enthralling. They like the human drama: the oh-so-shy Irish girl who suddenly comes to life as she takes the stage; the bizarro token comedy character Johnny Robinson, a skinny, speccy 45-year-old ex-drag queen on incapacity benefit who gives his all as if he’s going to win — which of course he won’t because the Irish girl will.