Anonymous

To see or not to see, that is the question, just as it is always the question with us — I believe our relationship may be caught in what is generally referred to as a ‘rut’ — but I shall answer all the same and my answer is this: Anonymous is a ‘not see’ and I would urge you to not see it at your earliest possible convenience. Shame, as it had looked such a prospect. It’s a big, fat costume drama set during the Elizabethan era which asks what some scholars have been asking for the past century or so: did Shakespeare actually write the works credited to him?

It has a tremendous cast, and stars, among others, Rhys Ifans, Vanessa Redgrave, Joely Richardson, Derek Jacobi, Mark Rylance and David Thewlis. With hindsight, I think I expected one of those playful, speculative histories like Shakespeare in Love or Amadeus or The Madness of King George but, instead, what you get is a bloated, soapy melodrama so incompetently executed that if it doesn’t confuse you it’s only because you’ve nodded off. I certainly nodded off for quite a substantial chunk in the middle, for which I am and will for ever remain intensely grateful.

This is directed by Roland Emmerich, previously known for science fiction blockbusters like Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow, and who should probably have stuck to science fiction blockbusters like Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow. Watching this film is like watching a child take two pieces of a toy or a puzzle which don’t actually fit and try to bash them together anyhow. It has a script by John Orloff which includes lines that would not appear in any film you could take seriously, like: ‘Worry not, he’s a one-trick pony.’