In Competition No. 2541 you were invited to submit a revealing fragment from an index which is all that remains of the autobiography of someone who has privileged access to the great and good. It might have been a member of the royal household or, as in W.J. Webster’s entry, a hairdresser to the rich, famous and influential. To give you an idea of what I was after, here are a couple of snippets from J.G. Ballard’s ‘The Index’, a story implied through an index, which is the only surviving part of the unpublished autobiography of Henry Rhodes Hamilton: ‘Churchill, Winston, conversations with HRH, 221; at Chequers with HRH, 235; spinal tap performed by HRH, 247; at Yalta with HRH, 298; ‘iron curtain’ speech, Fulton, Missouri, suggested by HRH, 312; attacks HRH in Commons debate, 367’.
This was obviously a daunting challenge and entries were thin on the ground. The winners, printed below, get £30 each. The bonus fiver belongs to G.M. Davis and commendations go to Shirley Curran, William Danes-Volkov and Nicholas Hodgson.
Mandela, Nelson, surprisingly short when you meet him, 526; political errors of, 828
Miners’ strike, author’s resolution of, 917–8
Mosley, Max, ‘kindred spirit’, 42; ‘Nazi pervert’, 1620
Nabokov, Vladimir, aesthetic fallacies of, 301
New Statesman, author’s rejection of editorship, 559; sales slump, 560
Portillo, Michael, deaf to good counsel, 338
Price, Katie, seeks author’s advice on mammary enlargement/reduction, 844
Prince Charles, personal hygiene problem, 208; bares soul, 443
Principia Mathematica, discussion of with Allen Ginsberg, 71; author’s refutation of, 113
Quantum theory, author’s contribution to, 12, 19, 47, 77, 101–114, 298–306
Rice, Condoleezza, ‘not so black as she’s painted’, 866; good in bed, 992–4
Rooney, Wayne, spotted by author as four-year-old, 1083; ingratitude, 1119
Sarkozy, Nicholas, requests author’s help in drafting European constitution, 1443
Scorsese, dissuaded from abandoning cinema, 636; as drug-crazed egomaniac, 665
Scotland, faulty central heating at Balmoral, 460; as failed state, 700
Self, Will, snoring of, 1757
G.M. Davis
Amis, Kingsley, FS critiques later novels of at American Dental Association dinner, 104
Amis, Martin, treatment sessions, 42, 44, 46–69, 70–94, FS appoints self dental biographer, 85
Beckett, Samuel, exchange of silent telephone calls following difficult root canal work, 37
Bellow, Saul, has gums tickled for sake of vanity at recommendation of Martin Amis, 105
Bennett, Alan, lengthy spat with FS in LRB over alleged vulgarity of whitening treatments, 42–54
Bernard, Jeffrey, effect of prolonged soaking of teeth in alcohol demonstrated by, 70
Best, George, propensity to consume mouthwash noted, 158
Blair, Tony, FS appointed smile consultant to, 168
Brown, Gordon, FS diagnoses parsimony with toothpaste as cause of plaque in, 175
Bush George W, FS supervises oral hygiene sweep following pretzel incident, 187
Clinton, Bill, misconstrues instruction to ‘open wide’, 131
Adrian Fry
Barnet Formula: Westminster salon opens, 25
beards: advice on taken by A. Darling, not by C. Clarke, F. Dobson, 75
bell, division: success of installation in Barnet Formula, 55
Ben, Big: constant strain on ears of, 30
Benn, T, 46 ( cf Ben, Big )
Bermuda: suggested as holiday destination to T. Blair (qv), 86
Bill, Old, the: not there when wanted, 126; there when not wanted, 323
blackmail: baseless allegations of, 322
Blackpool: conference coiffures ruined by gales in, 150, 225, 350
Blair, T: talks about holiday plans, 55, 75, 86, 107; crown of showing through, 298
blond moments: 1) M. Heseltine rants, ‘Me Tarzan, she Delilah!’ , 29; 2) B. Johnson demands ‘Einstein-cum-yokel’ style, 250
Bragg, M: hair secret of revealed, 79
Brighton: conference in marred by flyaway toupees, 100
Brown, G: insists on receding/recession distinction, 200
Buckingham Palace: investiture at, 375
Butler Report: discreet contribution to, 351
W.J. Webster
Britishness, research into, 56–59; advocacy of, 113–116
Brobdingnag, name suggested for national rebranding, 189
Broons, The, and regional stereotyping, xiv; 7, 16
Brotherhood of Man, The, encouraged to re-form, 205; disaster during anthem heats, 211
Brown, Dan, writes national history, 345; approves film version, 348; novelisation of film, 352–353; film of novelisation, 360
Brown, James Gordon, friendship with author, 1–25; on identity, 63–65; defection to New BNP, 200; becomes manse, 354
brown sauce, adoption as national beverage, 250
Bruni-Sarkozy, Carla, opens British salon in Paris, 250; teaches Cabinet to speak foreign languages, 268–270; adopts British nationality, 300–202; elected to Premiership, 344–360; tops album charts, 380; abdication, 412–413
Brussels, rejection of as EU capital, 346; abolition of, 356
Bryson, William Mcguire, return from Des Moines, 279; authorship of pan-British manifesto, 299–301; devises national catchphrase, 354
Bull, Dr John, composer of former national anthem, ii
Bunter, William George, statue to, 278; reintroduction of postal order, 350
Bunton, Emma Lee, appointed world ambassador, 345
Burger King, nickname given to former Charles III, 250
Burns, Robert, burning of poetry, 240
Burrell, Paul, recovery of Crown Jewels from, 282
Bill Greenwell
Caretaker, The. My plagiarism suit with Pinter, 49
Chateau d’Yquem. Overrated plonk, 222. Served by Gordon Blair, 224
Dalai Lama. Thanks me for spiritual comfort, 83
De Gaulle. Secret correspondence with, 54
Diana, Princess. My guru role, 23–33. Nuisance phone calls, 166
Dickens, Charles. Henry Kissinger shares my view of him as potboiling hack, 171
Donizetti. Agreed with Pavarotti to be tenth-rate, 74
Donkey. John Major not hung like one as rumoured, 39
Don Quixote. Discussed in Spanish with Che and Fidel, 150
Dorchester. Not a class act, Lucien Freud and I concur, 18
Dubya. My nickname for him adopted worldwide, 227–31
Duck. Heston Blumenthal’s failure with caneton à l’orange, 288
Duplicity. Of Edward Heath 108, Margaret Thatcher 129, Tony Blair 166
Eagleton, Terence. Asks me to smooth his way with the Vatican, 246
Elvis. I comfort Germaine Greer on his death, 111
Eriksson, Sven-Goran. Fails to heed my warning, 138. Dirty underwear, 142
Basil Ransome-Davies
No. 2544: Apple and orange
You are invited to submit a shopping list in verse form, making the last word of every line a brand name (16 lines maximum). Entries to ‘Competition 2544’ by 8 May or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.
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