Dream date

In Competition No. 2513 you were invited to submit a Spectator Love Bug ad for a well-known literary character. I was hoping for such comic gems as grace the compellingly quirky lonely-hearts column in the London Review of Books: ‘Eager-to-please woman, 36, seeks domineering man to take advantage of her flagging confidence. Tell me I’m pretty and watch me cling’. This potentially suicidal self-deprecation produces ads that are both hilarious and touching — and apparently successful from time to time.

What woman could fail to be won over by Quasimodo’s honesty, courtesy of John Plowman: ‘You say personality matters more than looks? Well, I’m your man. Brought up in an ecclesiastical family, I’m down-to-earth (almost prehensile) and Cyclopean (didn’t do Nelson any harm)…’. The winners, printed below, get £25; I’m first in the queue, pliant and placid, for bonus-fiver recipient D.A. Prince’s Beowulf.

Readers have asked about the whereabouts of Jaspistos, who was last heard of in hospital. He is now at home, but will be unable to resume his stewardship of this column. He sends his warmest greetings to all competitors and his thanks for the pleasure you have given him for 30 years.

Raider of troll-nests and slaughterer of sea-brutes seeks to gladden his heart with hearth-warmer and home-helper, balm for the beast-world and make-peace against monsters. Done with the death-dealers and heapers of havoc, I yearn for a yielder, a long-haired leman for all that makes merry and fires lusty loins. Determined and doughty, I do down the deadly and wreck the hall-breakers, the monsters from mere-lands. Mighty ’mong most men I stand tall as tree-tops, can match men in mead-halls and cheer cherished champions. Gifted with gold I can fashion your fortune; you will be willing and winsome and woman, indoor endearer and silent as swansdown. I am the hall-voice and you are the hearer — Denmark/anywhere; travel treads lightly. Heroes