To Dean’s Yard, for the second best party of the summer season. The Tory establishment assembled last night for ConservativeHome’s annual bash, hosted in the shadow of Westminster Abbey. It was this august event which kicked off last year’s summer madness: a point not lost on this year’s star speaker. James Cleverly, the Foreign Secretary, took to the lectern to deliver a veritable tour d’horizon.
In a speech which encompassed everything from Ukraine and the Spanish Civil War to Jeremy Corbyn and Joseph Bazalgette, Cleverly riffed on music festivals, London refuse policy and even ConHome’s sponsors WaterUK and the RSPB. ‘Nobody is expecting tonight’s speech to be the starting gun for a leadership campaign’ said Cleverly in his 16-minute address. But for those thinking of backing the Essex MP in a future contest, Mr S is happy to transcribe his speech in full:
Paul, thank you, thank you very, very much. And thank you to the kind sponsors for this evening. I was trying to think of a funny segway to go from the protection of birds and the protection of our rivers. And I – and I was really struggling to come up with something particularly funny. Then I thought of something really very, very funny, I mean, very, very funny, which I’m not going to deploy this evening because I like this job. And I would actually like to keep it but don’t worry, for those of you who are hoping for knob gags, they will be, they will be coming later on, don’t worry.
I’m deeply honoured, deeply honoured to be asked to speak here this evening. I’m conscious that this event last year was the starting gun event for the race to the next, er, past leader of the Conservative party. And I’m very, very pleased that nobody is expecting tonight’s speech to be the starting gun for a leadership campaign. As I said, I am restraining myself somewhat because I have no intention for this to be the starting gun – I’m also rather hoping it’s not the finish line, either. So I’m going to refrain from some of the wilder jokes that I’ve had sloshing around in my head this afternoon.
But it’s so lovely to see so many of you here. I would like to flatter myself that you’ve come here to listen to my thoughts and observations on geopolitics and the pressures around the world and the UK’s response to those pressures and challenges and not just because you’re trying to avoid a contentious vote from the Privileges Committee.
But I will hold in my head and heart the idea that you’ve come to actually hear me speak and I looked around the garden, I see lots of people who have worked with me, campaigned with me, people I regard as friends, some of you who have supported me in a range of ways through the years and there are many people in the garden that I, perhaps, without too much hubris, could describe as fans of mine.
But, no – you have got to be realistic in politics. In politics, for every friend you make, perhaps you make an enemy. I thought that as well as the fans in the garden this evening, there’d be some foes. I don’t see any. I don’t see any at all. I look across and all I see is only fans. And I think that’s, and that’s good. I believe in entrepreneurialism. And I don’t know what you’re laughing at, yhat wasn’t a gag, that was the heartfelt bit, that was the bit that came from here.
But genuinely I think the friendships around this garden, it’s something that I very much value. And I am reminded, I’m reminded, of course, that just as we had the metaphor of flocking birds – I’m so glad I got that out. I’m so glad I got that right. I was worried about that. But we had that metaphor from the RSPB, we are reminded that we are strongest, we are at our best when we pull together and so – that’s not a joke. You’re meant to laugh at the funny bits, not just at everything.
But it is very, very important that we focus on being part of the team and I will touch upon that later on in the speech, in the second hour of the speech. No, that wasn’t a joke.
So I’m here and I think, right what do I talk about, as Paul said, there are so many things when you’re Foreign Secretary, there are so many things that you can potentially talk about. But if you forgive me, I’m going to focus on a couple of serious issues. I’m going to try and end on a high point, on a bit of a laugh. But there are some very important issues that we do have to address.
Tomorrow evening, leaders from around the world will come to London in preparation for the Ukraine recovery conference, and that is where the UK, co-hosting with Ukraine itself, will do what the UK does incredibly well, which is convene the players, the thinkers and the people with money to support Ukraine in their recovery when, hopefully soon, they have successfully defended themselves against Russia’s unprovoked and brutal attack.
And I’m very proud that the UK will play a part in coordinating the financing of Ukraine’s recovery. And the UK has played an important role in Ukraine’s self defence from before the start of the full scale invasion in February of last year. We have provided advice, we provided training, we provided military equipment, we have played a role in making sure that Ukraine can protect itself. I’m incredibly proud of that because in a world of complexities, and foreign affairs is often regarded as being about shades of grey, it’s about nuance, it’s about realpolitik. But sometimes things are clear. Sometimes things are black and white. Sometimes things are genuinely about good and evil. And the real skill is recognizing the shades of grey and the nuance and recognizing when things are clear cut and black and white. And our support for Ukraine’s self defence is as close to a black and white issue as I think any of us will experience in our adult lives.
If we fail, if we fail, in our collective endeavour to help Ukraine defend itself against Russian aggression, the whirlwind that we will reap later on will be immeasurable. We have to understand that the world is watching every – every potential potentate and dictator is watching to see how we respond to this crisis. Just as the world was watching in the Spanish Civil War, to see what the West did, the world is watching to see what we do now.
And in the Spanish Civil War, we failed. We failed to demonstrate our resolve against aggression and against fascism. And then the Second World War was what happened next. We need to make sure that we do not fail this time, we need to send the signal to the world that when it comes to such an egregious breach of the UN Charter, when it comes to the brutality that we are seeing in Ukraine, we will not falter, we will not fail, we will be robust and we will stand shoulder to shoulder with Ukrainians until they have got their country back. Because if we fail do so, as I say, the challenges that face us in the future will be significantly greater than the cost of challenges that we currently see. That is why I’m so proud of the UK’s role in defending, helping Ukrainians defend themselves.
Now that was a serious issue, there was no jokes in that bit. I feel very strongly about that. There are many of you who have heard me give speeches, and there are many of you that have heard me give that cri de coeur about our support for Ukraine. I make no apology for replaying some of my greatest hits because I know what it’s like – I’ve been to music festivals.
I mean, not many, and only the ones where you’re not having to wade through other people’s urine to get to the soundstage. Because I know what it’s like to go to, you know, you don’t want the new stuff. You don’t want the new experimental album, you want the old hits from the 90s. And I believe in recycling. So the rest of this speech, trust me, there is nothing new in the rest.
If any of you want to wander off and get nibbles, more drinks, have a quick cigarette in the corner, now is your time, because from this point until the rapturous round of applause that will be the culmination of this speech, I just want to let you know, managing expectations, there is literally not going to be a word, syllable, dot or comma that hasn’t been deployed on many occasions in the past, because as I say recycling is incredibly important. I used to be, Kulveer [Ranger] knows this, there are some people here from City Hall, Kulveer – my long-standing, recently ennobled friend – which is not actually as unique a privilege as it was, Kulveer worked alongside me when we were at City Hall and – many people don’t know this – I was the chair, or as I like to be called, the chairman, of the London Waste and Recycling Board, the chairman, of the London Waste and Recycling Board and that job was rubbish.
That was the gag, thank you. And our wonderful sponsor, David from Water UK, I had the opportunity to go down into the Bazalgette sewer system below London. And if any of you ever find yourself in London’s subterranean sewer system, you really do need to ask yourself some serious questions about your life choices and your late night drinking habits.
But anyway, I was down in that sewer system which was which was a subterranean cathedral of Victorian pride. The build quality was amazing and bear in mind it was not meant to be seen by anyone at all. It was quite remarkable to see how good the quality was of the Victorian sewage system.
This is the second point in the speech where all the gags that I was thinking of deploying, I’m not going to do that. So again, again, if you want all the scatological humour tonight, later on tonight, potentially, but at this stage, in front of the microphones, with the cameras rolling, tonight is not the time when I’m going to deploy all those gags. But for those of you who understand as I do that this speech is the one thing separating you from booze and nibbles, I’m going to come to a conclusion relatively soon.
What I think is incredibly important in these difficult times and we’ve got challenges in the opinion polls, they tell us we’re on the back foot at the moment, I don’t believe it, because on the rare occasions when I am in the UK, I get to sit across from the Labour party and you will instinctively know what I have reminded, what I am reminded of every day, was that party is spectacularly unfit for government.
And this is the best they’ve been in a very long time. Keir Starmer is infinitely better than Jeremy, orders of magnitude better, than Jeremy Corbyn. And yet when I look at him, I am reminded of all the gags in my head sloshing around about the sewage system that I am not going to deploy this evening. They literally are that…. rubbish.
So we have a duty, we have a duty to the British people to protect them from the catastrophe that would be a Labour government. Some of you in this room are too young and too beautiful to remember the last time Labour was in office to remember those things.
Luckily, I am neither of those things. I know that it is our duty, our regular duty to protect the British people from the pain and suffering that will inevitably follow in the wake of a Labour government. So that’s why we’ve got to get with the program.
Enjoy yourselves this evening but then tomorrow morning when you have erased the foggy hangover from your heads, get out to the numerous locations where you can campaign in a by-election at the moment. Make sure we win those by-elections, make sure that Rishi and the rest of the government have a good foundation stone to go on to win the next general election.
It is both a pleasure and a duty to do so, it will make you feel better about yourselves, and if you want to hear the various knob gags and poo gags that I’ve got sloshing around in my fundamentally childish head, buy me a drink – you don’t even need to buy it, do you? – just grab me a drink, come and chat with me afterwards. But until that point, ladies and gentlemen thank you very, very, very much for coming, enjoy yourselves and thank you once again for ConservativeHome and sponsors this evening. Thank you very much.
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