Dear Mary…
Q. My daughter, aged 19, is proposing to take out a student loan in order to have her teeth whitened. It is not the borrowing of money I object to so much as the fact that her own teeth are not in any way discoloured. Please help quickly, Mary, as I am certain her natural look really could not be bettered.
E.O., London SW18
A. Since ‘Frankenteeth’, as they might be dubbed, look Tippex-white under strobe lighting, ask your daughter to attend a few discos and spot the flashers before she goes ahead. Like toupees being blown off in the wind, bleached teeth can cause great embarrassment when they are unmasked as artifice. Even in daylight hours the most expensively whitened teeth can jar in a face. Clearly Nature knew what she was doing when she selected natural tooth colourways. Demonstrate this to your daughter in your own home by modelling a gumshield out of white paper and jamming it into your mouth. These measures should cause her to think again before saddling herself with a new complex.
Q. At the age of 39, I have belatedly realised that all the time I have not spent riding to hounds has been life wasted. I have no money, hunting has just been banned and my wife does not want me to become paraplegic. What should I do, Mary?
J.D., London SE5
A. If you are really worried about becoming paraplegic, why not go beagling? Most beagle packs are converting to chasing rabbits instead of hares, so you can still get rushes of adrenalin, camaraderie and exercise in the fresh air. Yet many of those who became paraplegic on the hunting field will say it was worth it. If you find yourself still craving the experience and prepared to take the risks, then you can look forward to next season, when hunts across the country will be running National Newcomers’ Week.
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