Q. Please help me urgently. I have made a terrible social faux pas. Two very good friends asked me to be godfather to their children. One child is Oscar, the other Tom. I accepted enthusiastically because, for all my other faults, I am a very good godfather. Last week I discovered the christenings of both are on the same date — in a month’s time — over 100 miles from each other. I had stupidly put one down in my work diary and the other in my social one. What can I do?
B.D., Wandsworth, London SW18
A. This can only be resolved by seniority. The older baby should have precedence. Meanwhile contact the clergyperson who will officiate at the junior baby’s baptism to see whether you can supply your vows in writing and be represented by a proxy or indeed whether an induction can take place at a later date during an ordinary church service. The parents of the junior baby will be disappointed, but you can redress the balance by making it clear that, in compensation for your absence, their own child will receive, as his christening present, a slightly superior handout to that bestowed upon his senior godbrother.
Q. I recently stayed in Jamaica as the guest of one of its residents. Shopping in the Ocho Rios market a member of our house party spied an Haitian painting she had to have and, since I had my card on me and she did not, I went to the bank and drew out the necessary US$150 and loaned this to her. She promised to pay me back ‘the minute’ we hit English soil, dropping the money through my letterbox since we live near to one another. We ‘hit’ three weeks ago and I have heard nothing. I assume she has totally forgotten. What should I do?
Name withheld, London W11
A. Ring her at home from your mobile. When she answers, announce that you are ‘just round the corner’ from her house and were about to buy something in a shop when you found you had forgotten your wallet and suddenly remembered she owed you $150. Can you drop round?
Q. For various reasons we have to move house about every five or six years. In spite of this my wife and I have always found it very easy to settle in our new surroundings and make new friends. However, there is one problem — my first name. Although I always carefully and clearly introduce myself as William, there are always one or two people in every new circle of friends who insist on calling me Bill, which I utterly detest. I’m sure they mean no offence, and I don’t want to act the schoolmaster over them, but Mary, please advise how I can stop this nuisance. I’ve tried sending them Christmas cards, signed William, referred to articles I’ve written, signed William, but it’s always Bill, whenever we meet.
W.G., Netherlands
A. When someone addresses you as ‘Bill’, smile blandly and glance absentmindedly around the room. When they try again, come suddenly to life crying, ‘Oh sorry! You were talking to me. I’m not used to being called Bill.’ Continue to give a pleasant but silent response to all overtures addressed to ‘Bill’ and you will reinforce the connection between frustration and the name ‘Bill’. This should ensure that offenders will retrain themselves to call you ‘William’.
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