Competition: Vote for us

In Competition 3351 you were asked to send in an election manifesto in verse (lucky timing). The entries threw up plenty of bold ideas for strategists to pick over, though a degree of cynicism was in evidence – the general mood captured by Basil Ransome–Davies’s ‘Opportunist party’: ‘If you favour easy answers,/ Vote for us, the British chancers’. I’m sorry not to have had room for Alan Millard’s Cross Your Fingers party, Bill Greenwell’s Horny-Handed Sons of Toil, Adrian Fry’s Bigots of Britain, Frank Upton’s moon-is-green-cheese promises, Sylvia Fairley’s manic-festo, and more. A special mention for Chris O’Carroll’s last-ditch Tory plea: ‘Vote with us for a Parliament that’s hung.’ Those first past the post win £25.

What does modern Britain need? Our manifesto states
That we don’t have the foggiest, because our candidates
Are picked to be uncertain, and to dither at a choice –
Which is why the Don’t Know party’s the authentic national voice
We don’t know what we’re doing, and we don’t know where we’re going,
And Ipsos Mori tells us our support is huge and growing.
We’re not sure what our policies are, but we can promise this,
We’ll build a happier Britain, if ignorance is bliss.
All other politicians may pretend they know what’s what,
But we alone will honestly admit that we do not.
Instead we shrug our shoulders, and take little interest,
And hope we’ll muddle through by sort of hoping for the best.
And so we speak for Britain. You may be asking, though,
Whyever should you vote for us? We truly do not know.

George Simmers

Our pledge is to reclaim the throne of France;
Along with it, the pens of all your aunts!
All those vineyards – just imagine it –
Like Henry Five, Plantagenet,
Once more, unto the beach we’ll all advance!

One nation ours, from Nice to John O’Groats –
The plan is guaranteed to stop the boats.
The French will hardly rue it;
It’s the only way to do it,
For want of any safe and legal routes.