Let’s lighten up a bit and have some fun before next week’s ‘Big Bazooka’, the Christmas double issue. The vast majority of us Westerners are a happy bunch despite our countries being racked by debt, rising prices and job losses. Mind you, I know 4,700 people with no sense of humour whatsoever, especially when it comes to protesters’ welfare. I mean those hardy souls who took the time to complain to the BBC about remarks made on the air about shooting the strikers.
What made me laugh out loud was Ed Miliband, posing as Labour leader rather than the human biohazard that he really is, complaining in his nasal monotone about the remarks, calling them disgraceful and disgusting. He sure doesn’t have a sense of humour. Unlike that old queen Brian Sewell, profiled in these here pages by Freddy Gray. Sewell claims to have had 1,000 men over a period of five years, which I suppose is quite easy if one’s Josephine rather than Napoleon. Still, his remarks about phonies such as Tracey Emin, Damien Hirst and Anish Kapoor are right on, which means those three untalented freaks will soon also be complaining.
Our culture nowadays requires victims, and victimhood is de rigueur, especially among the politically correct. Take, for example, a real outrage, Aid for Africa. It is beyond belief, as Britain fights bankruptcy and pensions are being cut, that the usual claptrap is being bandied about and that £1 billion to fight so-called climate change in Africa is on its way to that unhappy continent. Now let’s see. How many Range Rovers does £1 billion buy? How many yachts, how many large houses on the Riviera or in Switzerland? Because that’s where the billion pounds will end up, and I’ll perform a sex act on Brian Sewell if it doesn’t.
And what about those bullies blustering about the euro and having summit after summit in order to save it? I have it on absolutely impeccable authority that most of these summits consist of EU biggies having non-stop sex with animals, mostly goats and donkeys, depending on the location of the summit. Some of the pictures I have seen are hilarious, although the RSPCA would not be best pleased.
The EU biggies keep jerking us off as if we were a bunch of donkeys, which they also do during summits if there are donkeys around. The fall of the euro would cost the UK £200 billion, although the UK is outside the eurozone. How did this happen? Easy. By being part of the EU the UK is beyond the control of the government. And Paddy Pantsdown and Michael Heseltine still bang on about joining the euro and the sooner the better. Now I have it on record that neither of the two men particularly enjoys having sex with animals, so I find it mystifying that they still want the UK to join the euro. Maybe they just like travelling to Brussels, which is a bit like having sex with Brian Sewell, I suppose.
But I must not go on about the EU’s propensity for animal rights. If I were a goat or a donkey and had to service some of those bureaucrat-technocrats of Brussels I’d sure claim animal cruelty and then some.
And speaking of gossip, a man called Joseph Epstein has written a long and interesting book on gossip, giving us the lowdown on many higher-ups, people such as Ari and Jackie, the Windsors, Harold Pinter and, of course, JFK. He tells us about a ménage à trois in London of a woman, her maid and her dog, a mastiff. Alas, it is London in 1681. For one brief second I thought he would be ruining my exclusive about EU biggies and sex with animals.
Epstein reveals something everyone whose brain has not been zapped by too much junk TV knows, that Barbara Walters is America’s dumbest woman, which makes Babs the dumbest woman on earth actually. He also gives us Tina Brown, perennially climbing the ladder of success, never quite making it, always precariously balancing her act on somebody else’s dime. Tina is living dangerously on Barry Diller’s stockholders’ dime to the tune of $18 million per annum. That’s what her website loses, yet Diller calls it a success. I’d do the same if I had suckers paying for it. Brown has probably lost more money over the 25 years she’s been an American editor than anyone ever, yet she manages to keep finding people to invest in her. What was that about a sucker being born every minute? Close to $400 million in 25 years is a record. Good for you, Tina. Newsweek, which she now runs, recently had Jerry Seinfeld on the cover. He is a TV comedian who retired ten years or more ago and has stayed retired. If Newsweek is now relevant about anything, it is the TV culture of the Nineties.
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