Tourists seeking to understand life in London often come up short. It’s not their fault. It is often said that London is a metropolis made up of city villages, each with its own unique personality and characteristics. Most tourists never make it past the invisible walls of central London. Why would they? No one flies to London with thoughts of visiting Tooting or Deptford, though they should – Tooting has, without a doubt, the best curry restaurants in the city.
We Londoners scarcely know our own city. We are all blind men touching various parts of the elephant’s body.
Many tourists return home without any idea of what it means to live in London. They’ve seen Buckingham Palace; they’ve mistaken Hamleys for Harrods and left with a twitchy eye and a three-day migraine; they’ve paid £23 for an infant-sized portion of fish and chips in Borough Market; they’ve watched a man finger his belly button on the Central line (admittedly, this is an authentic London experience); they’ve visited the Harry Potter shop and spent a small fortune on a life-sized stuffed Dobby; they’ve stood in a red phone booth and pretended not to smell the urine; they’ve had their phone snatched outside the American candy shop on Oxford Street by a balaclava-wearing bike thief (another authentic experience). But none of this gets them any closer to life in London.
So, what is life in London? And how do we go about showing our guests? This is a question that has plagued me this past year. My girlfriend is Italian. As such, we are sporadically visited by her Italian friends and family. On these I am often asked the same question: ‘What’s actually worth seeing in London… as a Londoner?’ The question stumped me at first. I wanted to do my city proud. I didn’t want to send them back to southern Europe with a bitter taste in their mouths: ‘Mamma, I’m home. No, London isn’t like Notting Hill. Notting Hill isn’t even like Notting Hill! Yes, they do have a problem with alcohol. No, I didn’t see anyone wearing a bowler hat. Yes, they do have bad teeth. No, they aren’t polite – we went to this place called Brixton, and I saw a man smoke crack.’
So I resolved to show them a London that I knew, a London that I deemed worthy of visiting. I tried to break it down into simple categories. I started with parks. You can’t go wrong with London’s famous parks, but if you want a real treat, it has to be Hampstead Heath. There’s something uniquely wild about the Heath. On one end, you might find a group of mothers practising yoga and on the other, a ritual sacrifice – it’s picnics in the morning and discarded condoms at night.
The next category is pubs. Pubs are like pets: there are smelly ones, aggressive ones, expensive ones, ones that give you a rash and ones that seem to survive against all odds. A pub is a personal endeavour. Most of us have ‘our local’. I’m quite picky when it comes to pubs (but not when it comes to drinks). A pub that ticks most boxes is the Mayflower in Rotherhithe, renamed in honour of the ship chartered by the Pilgrim Fathers in 1620. It’s a beautiful old pub that sits on the banks of the Thames. It also does a slap-up Sunday roast. But there are plenty of pubs worth visiting – too many to list conclusively – and so it’s easier if I say which pubs not to visit. Avoid pubs that sell cocktails on draught, pubs that claim to have the ‘best Guinness in London’ and pubs frequented exclusively by afterwork yuppies wearing backpacks and gym shorts. A simple rule of thumb: if a pub has at least three cask ales on tap, then it’s probably a decent boozer, unless it’s a Sam Smith’s – in which case it’s a game of roulette.
Restaurants are dependent on budget and taste. If it’s English food you’re after, St John will certainly do the trick. The Smithfield institution has been around since 1994 and was a favourite of both Anthony Bourdain and A.A. Gill – so you’re in safe hands. Greasy spoons, the British version of diners, can be found throughout the city, though the Regency Café in Westminster is about as classic as it gets. But London is so much more than ‘English food’. London has become something of a culinary capital in the last 20 years. From Agora in London Bridge to O Barros in Stockwell, Westerns Laundry in Highbury to Billingsgate Café in Canary Wharf, London’s food scene will keep you on your toes. Just avoid Angus Steakhouse if you want to keep your teeth.
In terms of places to visit, it’s really about how well you handle crowds. If it’s markets you’re after, Maltby Street on a Sunday should satisfy your needs without leaving you overstimulated and catatonically rocking on the tube back to your hotel. Westminster Abbey is worth a visit, especially if you can catch a service. The London Eye is exactly what you expect: an enlarged capsule endoscopy that slowly shows you the innards of London from a vantage point less impressive than a plane’s window. Instead, take an Uber boat from Greenwich to Battersea Power Station. I know that the phrase ‘Uber boat’ strikes an unnervingly touristic chord, but a boat is really the best way to take in the city. And finally, a simple stroll along the Southbank never fails to excite.
But in truth, we Londoners scarcely know our own city. We are all blind men touching various parts of the elephant’s body. Most of us have come from different places, arrived at different times, landed for different reasons. London is a contradiction, a city of health freaks and convalescents, a city of drinkers and teetotallers, a city that likes to party and a city that goes to bed before midnight. If there’s one thing that Londoners can agree on, it’s that we don’t agree on anything. Actually, there might be one thing: can the Mayor of London please do something about phone snatchings? We’d very much like to use Google Maps in the street again.
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