‘We’re sorry we missed you; your delivery is scheduled for tomorrow’ the email reads. Another day, another bungled parcel delivery from Evri, the 21st Century equivalent of the hapless postman. Except posties have a certain charm and Evri and its competitors – Yodel, DPD, DHL, FedEx et al. – most certainly do not. If you have ever received three text messages and two emails in the space of four hours to tell you when your parcel will be delivered only for them to come when you are out walking the dogs, you will, like me, long for simpler times.
Why, as a nation, have we fallen prey to daylight robbery? The answer to this question paints a sorry picture of both public and private sector decline
What’s more, these days, before you even get to clap eyes on your parcel, it may well be stolen. Not misplaced, not taken in by an irate neighbour, not languishing in the Evri van, but stolen by an actual thief. According to data (released by the police under a freedom of information request) to locker company Quodient, parcel theft in this country is on the rise. Approximately £666 million worth of parcels were stolen in the year to June, with the highest number of offences taking place in Leicestershire (71.3 per cent) and the lowest in Essex (13.2 per cent). Congratulations, therefore, to the good people of Essex for allowing some parcels to reach their rightful owners. Overwhelmingly, however, parcels left on doorsteps are not safe. Police estimate that theft has risen by £290 million over the last 12 months with the average parcel being worth £115.
What on earth is going on? Why, as a nation, have we fallen prey to daylight robbery? The answers to these questions paint a sorry picture of both public and private sector decline. In the case of the police, some 28 per cent of victims of parcel theft did not report the issue to the police since they did not feel that they would take any action.
But if you can’t be bothered with the police, and frankly, who could blame you, then with whom should the matter be settled? The courier company, of course. But for those who don’t have three hours to wait on an online chat forum while a customer service representative ‘looks into the issue’, this is also out. Roughly a third of the survey’s respondents said that they did not report the loss to the courier company because they did not think they would be refunded. Here is modern Britain: sclerotic, unresponsive and impervious to theft.
And all this before Christmas, the rush hour of parcel traffic and simply the most stressful time of year for those of us waiting at the mercy of Mr DPD. Naturally, we victims of parcel crime must take matters into our own hands: 40 per cent admit to having installed a video doorbell (surely the greatest threat to adultery and/or spontaneity since time began) while others report getting parcels delivered to specially designated lockers or the post office instead of their homes. In response, the Post Office has begun to offer pick-up and drop-off parcel lockers in an ‘unprecedented’ deal with Polish-based group InPost to catch so-called ‘porch pirates’. But if, like me, you are logistically challenged at the best of times, the locker solution will only add to your woes since it adds another stop on your daily rounds and increases your email traffic exponentially.
Here on the ground in rural England, my village WhatsApp group tinkles all day long with worried messages from villagers as to the whereabout of their parcels. ‘Last saw the Yodel man at 4.06 p.m. but the driver said it was his first time on the rounds and not sure of the addresses’ one such message reads, to a chorus of red-faced emoji reactions with several offers of help tacked on. Clearly, the best antidote to the scourge of porch pirates, courier ineptitude and the decline of the post office is a community-heavy, neighbourhood watch. If you live in a city, where you may not exchange one word with your upstairs neighbour in ten years, then technology is your only viable option. Just be prepared to be inundated with notifications (many of them bogus and canine-triggered) from dawn until dusk.
In the last hour, while writing this article, I have received a total of four notifications from DPD. They all inform me that my daughter’s new shoes will be delivered this afternoon to my designated ‘safe place’. Nice try, Mr DPD, but manifestly there is no safe place anymore. I’ll stay at home until the box is safely in my mitts. And no, I won’t be reviewing your service or rating the courier.
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