High life | 15 June 2017

I was busy explaining to a 23-year-old American girl by the name of Jennifer why the election result was not a disaster. She is a Spectator reader and wants to work in England, preferably in politics. She called the result the worst news since her father had abandoned her mother. I begged to differ. Actually, it was a far better result than it would have been had the Conservatives won a majority of 100, I told her. She gasped in disbelief, but soon enough she was hooked.

Do not be alarmed, dear readers. I have not taken LSD. Nor am I suffering from populist-nationalist rage at global elites and starting to hallucinate. No, I just read a piece in the New York Times by an ignoramus who said that Britain’s voyage to inglorious isolation is a consequence of the Brits not listening to people such as Heath and Wilson who took Britain into Europe. What would we do without such fools writing such drivel? Heath and Wilson, God help us.

I was pleased with the result mainly because I never trusted Saint Theresa but do trust the DUP. My other reason is that when lefties cry that plans to crack down on Islamic extremism raise worries about rights, I know that soft Conservatives will fold quicker than you can say ‘coward’. Not the DUP, however, whose enemies call it bigoted, xenophobic, isolationist and other such goodies. Oh yes, it also opposes tranny bathrooms and same-sex marriage. Who wants the British to end up like the Americans, too scared to utter certain opinions about race and gender.

So sorry, you wet ones, if there is a coalition between the Conservatives and the DUP, we’ll have never had it so good. Yippee! And now for more good news: the left-wing media in America have flown into a quasi-psychotic rage over Russian interference during the last election.