Peter Hoskin

From the archives: Jeffrey Bernard does Christmas

By way of a Christmas aperitif for CoffeeHousers, here’s Jeffrey Bernard enduring the festive season for his Low Life column in 1988:

Eastern Promise, Jeffrey Bernard, The Spectator, 17 December 1988

Speaking as a man with little faith I find this whole business of Christmas one hell of an inconvenience. It must be even worse for a turkey. One of the things that annoys me is the fact that I can hardly find a table in any of the restaurants I use because of the number of wretches who only seem to eat and drink once a year. Where the hell are they in, say, August?

I spent one Christmas in St Stephen’s Hospital years ago and it passed almost unnoticed. The fact that I was not allowed to eat anything at the time was a blessing in disguise. I wouldn’t mind at all that much being on a drip of my choice next week. I have to cook, though, this year for a couple of friends who are coming in to lunch and a fairly ordinary lunch it is going to be. Last year the goose was too big for the oven and I quite literally had to kick it in so that it was jammed. When I came back after an aperitif the kitchen floor was swimming in fat. It was quite disgusting. This year I might casserole some pigeons with a little port. I wonder what the daughter will be eating in Adelaide. The last I heard she had stopped off in Bangkok so she might even have been kidnapped by monks, God bless her. How I would dearly like to be there in my bar at Bang Pa-In. (The next reader who has the impertinence to write and tell me how to spell Bang Pa-In will receive a letter bomb by return of post.)

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