Act of contrition

In Competition No. 2961 you were invited to submit limericks that might have been written by Boris Johnson in an attempt to smooth ruffled feathers on the international stage.

Boris has said that ‘it would really take me too long to engage in a fully global itinerary of apology’ to all those who have taken offence at comments he’s made over the past 30 years. But that’s OK because you were on hand to do it for him. Olive branches were proffered to, among others, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Hillary Clinton, the Chinese people and the citizens of Papua New Guinea, though I was disappointed that nobody felt moved to pen an emollient rhyme to the ten-year-old Japanese schoolboy mown down by Johnson in a street rugby match on a visit to Tokyo last year.

The winners below are rewarded with £10 per limerick printed.

When I meet dear Hills, I will gulp a
Me paenitet, o mea culpa.

Her back? I will scratch it

(Though I love Nurse Ratched.)
Put the rest of my speech through a pulper.
 
Papuans! Feel my remorse:
You eat paw-paw and pig! I endorse

Your culture and taste

And if that seems three-faced,
I am happy to be your first course.
Bill Greenwell
 
Erdogan was not a wankerer,
It was some other guy from Ankara,

An expat maybe,

With a goat by a tree,
Who had not enough Turkish to thankera.
Fiona Pitt-Kethley
 
Let’s hear if for Angela Merkel
Though sooner or later some jerk’ll

Make fun of her free

Open borders (not me),
But possibly some angry Turk’ll.
Katie Mallett
 
When I said that compared with the Yanks
Chinese cultural influence ranks

Next to nil, be aware —

Given Hollywood fare —
I was merely expressing my thanks.
Max Gutmann
 
When I dined with the Chinese ambassador
It’s true that I did raise my glass at her

But a translator’s slip

Spoiled my elegant quip
And she thought I had just made a pass at her.